


ain't no sunshine when she's gone

by scrappylittlegleek



Category: Supergirl (Comics), Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Endgame Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, Kidnapping AU, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lots of Angst, PTSD, Protective Kara Danvers, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27466825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrappylittlegleek/pseuds/scrappylittlegleek
Summary: It's been over a year since Lena went missing and the rest of the world has since moved on. Even her close circle of friends is doing their best to get on with life the way it used to be-- all except for Kara, who has a strong inkling that somewhere, her best friend is still out there, waiting for someone to come save her.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 193
Kudos: 576





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i didn't really have any intention of turning this into a real fic, but my hand slipped and here we are   
> this chapter is just an intro so it's shorter than what I normally post, I hope you guys like it anyways  
> Trigger Warning- grief and physical/psychological abuse

“Kara, look, I know it’s hard, but it’s been a year. Don’t you think it’s time to start letting go?” 

Alex quickly shut off the television, unable to bear the sad expression that crossed her sister’s face when Lena’s image appeared on the screen. It was less and less often she was talked about on the news but every time her name was brought up, Kara still clung to the broadcasts every last word like it was a lifeline. There was never new information-- the updates on Lena’s whereabouts stopped only a few months after her disappearance. But even so, Kara was never able to give it up. 

“We just need to send out more people,” Kara mumbled, her eyes glued to the black screen. “Just one more search and rescue team… if you just give me one more, we’ll find her, I know we will.” 

“Kara, we don’t have the resources for that anymore. I know how hard this is for you, but even if the DEO had the money for another mission… we don’t have any leads. We don’t even have a general direction of where she might be,” Alex said, setting a calm hand on Kara’s shoulder. “Trust me, I would give anything to get her back, but it’s not up to us anymore.” 

“Then who is it up to?” Kara asked. She tried so hard to sound angry but the words were broken and frail, barely holding it together, just like she was. “I’m supposed to be Supergirl, I’m supposed to help people. What’s the point of having all these powers if I can’t figure out a way to bring her back?” 

“You do help people, you--”

“It’s not enough, Alex, not if I can’t help her.”

“Kara, think about what happened last time.” 

Kara folded her arms over her chest. Her face fell, memories of the past three months washing over her.

“If you go out again you’re only gonna get hurt, you know that,” Alex said. 

“But Alex--”

“No.” Alex shook her head, standing firm in her position even though it broke her inside to see Kara like this. “I’m not going to risk losing you again, Kara. I love Lena too, but it’s been so long. You can’t keep putting yourself in danger for her.” 

Kara drew in a sharp inhale and placed both hands on her hips. Alex was wrong, she knew she had to be wrong. She just had to be able to show her, she needed her strength back, she needed to feel like Supergirl again. After all this time, she had to still have it in her. So Kara lifted her chin, doing everything she could to try and regain the stance she once felt so confident in. However, her posture was weak and the facade just couldn’t seem to hold for over a second. And even if it had worked, she knew Alex would’ve been able to see right through it, she always could. 

“I get how hard this is for you but Kara, I think it might be time to accept that she’s most likely--”

“No!” Kara shook her head, refusing to believe it even for a second. “You  _ don’t _ know how hard this is for me and she’s not--” 

She couldn’t even bring herself to say the words. They sat on the tip of her tongue, taunting and mocking her as they left her powerless and stole her ability to speak. They dropped a sour taste in her in the back of her throat, forcing images Kara had worked so hard to suppress back into her head. Pictures of Lena lying cold and alone in a dark basement somewhere just rotting away. Scared and isolated, having given up on the thought that anyone might ever come to save her. 

“She’s not  _ dead,” _ Kara managed to force out. “I know Lena. She never gives up without a fight. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been she-- she’s Lena, I know she’s alive Alex, I know she is.” 

Alex sighed, unable to say another word as she watched her sister begin to crumble. It had been exactly 368 days since Lena went missing. 365 since her disappearance was announced publicly and multiple search and rescue teams were sent out to find her.

For 366 days, Sam Arias had been in charge of L Corp in Lena’s absence. And after only 50 days, it was announced that the search would be held off until later notice as no one had gotten any closer to finding her. About a day after that, Sam put up a memorial in the L Corp lobby. She had the company dedicated a bench to Lena outside the building, with the words  _ she never stopped working to make a name for herself outside her family _ beneath Lena’s full name. 

After 368 days, that was all that was left of her. A bench and some pictures scattered around L Corp.

The world kept moving as if she’d never existed at all. Alex continued to work and Kara was expected to keep writing articles for CatCo. Before she knew it, two months had passed and Snapper was telling Kara that Lena was old news and they didn’t need to continue to write about her accomplishments.

It was as if she’d never existed in the first place. Lena had become a shadow in the back of people’s minds, a vague memory that seemed to crave being forgotten. 

Kara couldn’t seem to let herself forget though. She couldn’t let herself believe the inevitable. Three years of friendship wasn’t just going to disappear with Lena, no matter how badly the rest of the world may have wanted it to. So she counted every month, every week, every day that she was forced to go on without her best friend. They were marked on the calendar next to her bed, red x’s drawn over every day Lena wasn’t there. 368 days without her and the only one that still seemed to care was Kara. 

“I don’t care how long it’s been, Alex. I know she’s still out there, she has to be. And you can stop caring, you can stop looking but I-- she’s my person. I’m not gonna give up on her.”

* * *

Lena stared up at the ceiling, her eyes fluttering open as a quiet, shaky breath left her mouth. The cement against her back sent shivers down her spine as beads of sweat formed across her hairline. Something foul lingered in her nose, though she couldn’t tell whether it was coming from her or not. Cringing at the movement, Lena turned her head against the ground, doing her best to block out the noise. 

The speakers played on a loop, sometimes for weeks without stopping. If she screamed or fought back, the sounds going one after another only got worse. They got louder and stronger until Lena picked herself up, her wrists rubbing against the metal cuffs holding her back as she moved, and turned to the brick wall she’d been chained to. She’d bang her hand against the wall, over and over again until she could taste blood in the back of her throat, and the only thing she could hear became a sharp ringing in her ears; not the sound of Kara crying out for her, begging for her to come home, and screaming out in agony when there was no response.

There were times when Lena listened to it for so long that even when the recording was turned off, the wails of her best friend remained echoing in her ears, bouncing off the basement walls for days on end. 

This time, it was Kara, but it wasn’t the recording Lena had grown used to. This time, she wasn’t crying. 

_ I know Lena, she never gives up without a fight. If she hasn’t been found by now, I don’t think she ever will be.  _

“No,” Lena whimpered, shaking her head as boiling tears spilled from her eyes. “I’m here, Kara, I’m right here.” 

_ Do you want to keep looking? _

It was Alex’s voice this time. Lena could practically see her standing in the room with her, her soft eyes as she looked at Kara, doing her best not to let her little sister down once more. 

_ No… it’s over. All of it, it’s over.  _

“No!” Lena screamed. Every muscle in her body ached as she threw herself forward to try and sit up. She let out a strained cry as her raw wrists slid against the metal chains keeping her back. She could feel the skin breaking all over again, the wounds that had finally started to heal being torn back open. “No, Kara, no!” 

“I’m right here,” she sobbed and fell back to the ground. Lena pounded her hands against the cement as she screamed, hot tears running down her cheeks. Kara’s voice kept playing, the sound of her giving up pulsing through Lena’s ears while she pulled her legs into her chest and cried. “I’m right here, Kara, I’m right here!” 

_ It’s been a year, Alex. It’s time to let go.  _

“No!” Lena wailed, throwing her hands over her ears. “No, Kara, no!” 

She collapsed in a heap on the floor, shaking violently as she cried. Her voice was excoriated and torn apart but she couldn’t stop. She needed to believe that maybe if she screamed loud enough she wouldn’t be able to hear the one person who’d ever truly cared about her giving up. She wouldn’t have to live with the reality that there really wasn’t anyone coming for, that she was going to be stuck in that basement for the rest of her miserable life. 

If it wasn’t so morbid, Lena might’ve been funny how that last measly shred of hope Lena had used to keep herself alive the past 368 days could just be ripped away in only a matter of seconds. All it took was a few words, and that little flutter in the back of her chest that she’d clung to for so long, was gone.

Every night for months, it had been the only thing keeping Lena alive. It was what she told herself every night before she fell asleep, what she whispered every time she was curled up in a puddle of her own blood, sweat, and tears, doing everything she could to keep going for one more day.  _ Kara’s coming, you can’t be dead when she finds you. She’s coming, I know she’s coming, just make it one more day.  _

“You have to come for me, Kara,” Lena cried. “I’ve waited so long, you have to come.” 

She hid her face in her hands as she tried to tell herself it wasn’t true. But Lena knew it was no use. Kara wasn’t coming for her, after 368 days she finally had confirmation of her biggest fear-- she truly was alone. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A woman is found disoriented and wandering around in the woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another short chapter wowowowow  
> trigger warning- brief mentions of blood

The sun blazed down through the trees as the leaves crunched beneath her weight. Sweat dripped from her forehead, the light or exhaustion blurring her vision as she stepped through the trees.

Voices were coming from somewhere, men talking and heavy footsteps approaching, but she couldn’t seem to figure out their direction. All she could see was trees and dirt. Blood on her hands, scrapes on her knees, and strands of matted hair falling into her face. 

“Hey-- hey!”

Her head snapped around at the noise, black spots clouding her vision as the surrounding noise slowly faded away. She stumbled to the side, reaching out and grabbing onto a tree, widening her eyes to force herself to see through the darkness. 

Soon though, the shade faded and the sounds began to come flooding back. Her head started to throb as she regained full consciousness, the sight of a man stopping dead in his tracks in front of her causing her to nearly jump out of her own skin. 

“Hey, are you good?” He asked and waved his hand to get her attention. 

The woman furrowed her brow but didn’t respond. She looked from the hiker to his group of friends and opened her mouth to say something, wishing she could force out the words sitting heavily in the back of her throat. It wouldn’t be hard, she just had to talk, only a few words to say who she was and maybe everything would be okay.

“Should we call the police?” One of the hikers whispered. They were in a group, all crowded together a few feet away from the one who’d approached her. They looked scared; as if they were worried she was drunk and might jump out to try and attack them. 

“I don’t know, do we talk to her?” The other responded. “She looks insane.” 

“Hey, what’s your name?” The first man asked, taking a tentative step forward but making sure to keep a safe distance between them. 

The woman shook her head. She slowly fell to the ground and pulled her legs under her, keeping both arms wrapped tightly around her stomach. She was too heavy, it hurt too much to stay upright. 

“Kara?” She muttered, looking down at the dirt covering her feet and blood streaked across her legs. It hurt like hell and the dirt was disgusting, but it was  _ real. _ The outside, the air, and trees, it was all real, it all meant she was out. And maybe that was a good thing, maybe it was terrible, she couldn’t be sure. All she knew was it was real, she’d escaped, and now there was no going back, whether she liked it or not. 

“Is your name Kara?” One of the men asked.

“Kara… Kara’s not coming,” the woman whispered. She reached out and grabbed a rock from off the ground, holding it tightly in her hand as she ran her fingers over the cool stone, absorbing the feeling of finally holding the Earth in her palm once more. 

“Is Kara… is she a friend?” 

She nodded, tears springing to her eyes.

“Kara…” She bit her lip and did her best to focus on the rock, thinking about how cold it felt in her hand and the way the fresh air almost burned her lungs as she drew in her breaths. 

“Do you know what your name is?”

It was all so cold, but such a different cold from what the basement had been. It almost felt familiar to the touch. Perhaps Kara would be the same? She’d given up because she had to, because everything was new and scary and she couldn’t cope with it any longer. So she’d told herself she was done with Lena, that she was over looking for her and hoping she might one day come home.

It didn’t seem like Kara at all to do something like that, but then again nothing about the situation was normal by any stretch of the word. So Lena couldn’t help but wonder, did that also mean Kara no longer cared? Had she become accustomed to a new normal without her friend? Would she even notice when Lena came back, or would she be disappointed that she wasn’t really gone for good? 

It hurt more than anything to know she might be going back to a world where everyone was better off with her gone. 

“I’m calling the police,” one of the hikers whispered. “Look at her, she’s a mess. If we leave her here she'll die.” 

“What do you think she’s doing here?” Asked another. “She’s just so-- so out of it… I mean, how did she even get this far on her own?” 

“Hey, shut up you two,” said the first man. “You’re freaking her out.” 

He set his bag down in the dirt and crouched down a few feet away from her. Instinctively, Lena pulled her knees into her chest as her tears began to spill over, her eyes widening and heart-pounding as he unzipped his backpack and reached inside to pull something out. 

“I’m just getting water, you thirsty?” 

Lena didn’t say a word. It had to be some sort of trap-- it always was. She inched back up against the tree, trying to retreat within herself as he continued to dig around in his bag. But instead of a gun or some sort of weapon, he pulled out a bottle of water wrapped in tin foil and set it on the ground so Lena could take it when she was ready. 

“I don’t know, she won’t talk to us. She was just wandering around by the trail, but she’s definitely not a hiker.” 

Lena looked up to see one of the hikers on the phone, he ran his hand through his hair as he spoke to the police, looking her up and down and pacing back and forth. 

“Yeah, she’s maybe 5’6, it’s hard to tell. She’s white-- has dark hair… yeah, I’d say it’s pretty long… no… her eyes aren’t brown, maybe blue or green, I didn’t get a good look. Uh… I don’t know, she looks like she could be around twenty-three, maybe older.” 

“Don’t listen to him, just drink the water,” the one with the bag said. 

With a shaky hand, Lena held her breath and did as she was told, reaching for the bottle as she watched to make sure the man who’d offered it wouldn’t rip it away from her at the last minute. God, she hoped he wouldn’t. Her mouth was so dry. She’d been so focused on everything else she hadn’t even noticed but now the water was in her hand and it was the only thing she could bear to think about.

“We’re calling for help… just drink the water and try to relax.”

* * *

Kara sighed, running her hands through her hair as she sat down at her desk to focus. She opened up the old photo album which still sat next to her computer-- the one she’d been planning on giving to Lena for her birthday and began to flip through the pages. They were worn and wrinkly from being looked through so frequently, but Kara knew if Lena ever did come home, she’d give the album to her anyways along with all the other gifts she’d accumulated for her over the past months. It was probably ridiculous, she knew that, but it was something to look forward too, even if the expectation was unrealistic. 

Smiling sadly, Kara stopped as she approached her favorite page, a strip of photos she and Lena had taken at the mall together a few months before she went missing. 

They’d gone with the Christmas theme even though it was the middle of October. All because Kara wanted to turn her copy of the pictures into an ornament for her tree. Lena thought that was hilarious, but she went along with it anyway. The pictures had turned out a mess though, as Kara had been so deep in her rant about how the Christmas season started on November first and they needed to be prepared, while Lena laughed so hard she couldn’t sit still, that the first two pictures came out all blurred and fuzzy. 

They’d ended up taking three more strips of photos after that because Lena felt guilty and she wanted to give Kara a perfect ornament for her tree, even if Christmas wasn’t for another three months.

Now, Kara stared at it with her head in her hands and tears in her eyes. She did her best to focus on Lena’s smile, on the dimples by her lips, and the way the edges of her eyes crinkled together when she was happy. As she watched, Kara then tried to find the heartbeat she used to listen to so often once more, one she was slowly starting to forget the sound of. 

“Come on, focus, Kara,” she muttered, pressing her fingers into her temple as if that would magically make it all better. If she could only get it together, try hard enough and center her attention, maybe she’d finally be able to do it. “Just listen… do your job and listen.” 

But as always, it didn’t matter how hard she tried or how focused she got, Kara couldn’t hear a thing. Sure, she could listen in on the couple three floors above her talking about what pre-school they wanted to enroll their son in and someone practicing piano six blocks away. Those meaningless noises were always there, clouding the one thing she desperately needed to detect. It was useless though. If Kara couldn’t hear Lena, she might as well have been completely deaf. 

“I’m so sorry, Lena,” Kara said to herself as she dropped her forehead into her palms. “I was supposed to save you and… and… I failed… I failed you, Lena.” 

She closed the album, unable to hear the sight of Lena’s bright smile staring back at her, and slipped it into her desk drawer. Maybe one day she’d be able to see Lena’s face without feeling like she was going to be sick. But Kara knew that day would never come if she only got to see her friend through old pictures and videos.

* * *

“Hey, how tall is Lena?” 

“I’m not sure, maybe 5’5,” Alex said, switching her phone from one ear to the other and scratching her head as she tried to think back to the last time she’d seen Lena in person. It had been game night over a year ago. Lena volunteered to be the one to pick up the takeout from the lobby since nobody else wanted to do it. She’d gone downstairs and never come back up. “She was always wearing heels, so it’s hard to tell. Why?”

“I just got a call from a group of hikers, they said they found someone wandering around in the woods. They said she was injured and disoriented and couldn’t answer their questions, but she had dark hair, green eyes, and looked to be somewhere between 5’4 and 5’6,” Maggie explained. “A medic helicopter is being sent over there now. And of course, I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but Alex, I… I think it might be Lena.” 

Alex’s heart fell right through her stomach at those words. She’d spent so long trying to accept the worst that now, hearing something that should’ve made her so thrilled just felt like a punch in the gut.

“Maggie don’t… if you’re not sure…” Alex bit her lip, trying to imagine a scenario where Lena could somehow be alive after all this time. It just didn’t sound real, it had to be too good to be true, it always was. If she let herself believe this was real, it would only hurt that much more when it fell through. “Are you gonna tell Kara? You know she’ll freak out if you do.” 

“I’m on my way to the hospital now. I don’t know if the girl’s awake or what’s going on, but if it is Lena, I’m not letting her wake up to some random cop badgering her for answers. She needs a friend” Maggie said. Alex could hear the urgency in her voice, she could practically imagine her girlfriend driving well over the speed limit, grasping onto that tiny shrivel of hope that this mystery girl might actually be Lena. 

“And I don’t know about Kara,” Maggie said. “She does have a right to know, but she’s your sister, so it really isn’t up to me.” 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Alex agreed with a sigh. She knew if she kept Kara in the dark about this, her sister would never forgive her. Even if it turned out to be a fluke, Alex didn’t want to take that chance. “I’ll call her, just… keep me updated, okay?” 

“I will. I love you.” 

“I love you too, Maggie.”

* * *

When Alex got to Kara’s house, she was halfway done stress eating a Boston creme donut and about to jump out of her own skin with nerves. 

“What’s going on, you never eat sugar before lunch?” Kara asked as she opened the door. 

“It’s uh… I just need to talk to you,” Alex said, stepping inside and slipping her free hand into her back pocket. “...about Lena.” 

“Well, are you just here to yell at me for trying to stay positive? Because normally I get enough of that from Snapper so if that’s what you’re here for, trust me, I’ve heard it all,” Kara deadpanned. 

Alex shook her head. “No, and I… I’m sorry for what I said earlier.” 

That got Kara’s attention. She folded her arms over her chest and awkwardly shuffled on her heels, unsure of what the appropriate reaction was for that. 

“It was insensitive and… very tone-deaf. I just worry that if you keep clinging onto her, you’re never going to be happy again,” Alex explained. “I don’t want to hurt you, it just makes me nervous to see you like this.” 

“You know, I don’t know if we should do this now… I- I’m tired, I might just go take a shower and lie down for a bit,” Kara said, her eyes already welling with tears as she chewed on her bottom lip to try and distract from the way Alex’s voice wavered. 

Because was that really what her sister thought of her? That she was never going to be okay again just because she wanted to believe her best friend in the entire universe wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere? She wasn’t dumb, she knew the longer someone stayed missing the less likely they were to come back. Kara was all too aware of what the reality was for Lena. 

But the thought that she might be out there somewhere, that she might be clinging to life just so that Kara could come and rescue her after all these months-- that was the only thing keeping her going. It was exactly the opposite of what Alex thought. Holding onto the hope that Lena was alive wasn’t holding Kara back, it was all she had left now that her best friend was gone. 

“No, Kara, I didn’t mean it like that,” Alex said, taking a step forward as Kara went to turn away. 

“Then how did you mean it?” Kara asked. “Because I’m sick of you and Maggie treating me like I’m some sad little kid that can’t look out for themself.” 

“I meant that I’m worried about you, Kara,” Alex said. “I’m worried because you are the most selfless person I know and you take it personally when things don’t go away and I’m worried that if our worst fears are confirmed, you’re going to blame it on yourself and push everyone away because that’s what you always do. And I came here with what could be  _ really _ big news, but the more we talk, the more scared I get for how you’ll react no matter what way it goes.” 

“Big news… big news about Lena?” Kara asked, her eyes widening. 

Alex sighed. “Maggie got a call from some hikers, apparently they found a woman around Lena’s age and height wandering in the woods about an hour outside National City.” 

“What?” Kara couldn’t believe it. “Did Maggie see her? Does she know what she looks like? Oh, Rao she-- if this is Lena… it means she’s alive, Alex, it means she’s really alive!” 

“I know, but-- Kara, okay, calm down, we don’t know if it’s her yet, okay?” Alex said softly. “Maggie’s at the hospital right now, she said she’d update me as soon as she hears anything, but so far there’s nothing.”

“We have to go,” Kara said, grabbing her coat from off its rack and throwing it on over her shoulders. “If it’s really Lena, we need to go  _ now. _ ”

Alex sighed and nodded, knowing now that the cat was out of the bag, there was no way she was going to talk to her sister down. 

“Yeah, okay, we can go.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does this count as a cliff hanger? idk   
> anywaysssss if you guys have any questions or thoughts yk feel free to yell at me in the comments or on my tumblr @godhatesoliviaa. I'm so sorry I was so bad at responding to comments on chapter 1, but I promise I read all of them and I appreciate the support so so much!! ily all <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Kara wants is to see Lena again, but Lena attaches to someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cried so many times writing this so bring your tissues :)  
> trigger warning- insinuation of self-harm marks

“Fuck, I can’t go to jail again!” 

Maggie laughed and moved Lena’s game piece for her, watching as Lena dramatically fell back against the sofa. 

“It’s okay, I’ll bail you out,” Kara said and gave her a pat on the back. She pulled her close, Lena’s head dropping to Kara’s shoulder. 

“My hero,” Lena fawned, laughing as she watched Kara, out of the corner of her eye, who was scowling at Alex and Maggie.

“You guys are so dramatic.” Alex scoffed. She grabbed the dice from the middle of the board and tossed them around in her palm. “It’s just a game, ya know.” 

“Easy to say when you’re winning,” Lena said with an eye roll. 

Maggie was about to interject when the buzzer to Kara’s apartment rang out, distracting all of them from the Monopoly board on the table. 

“That’s probably the food. I can get it,” Lena said, lifting her head from Kara’s shoulder and standing up. 

“You’re sure? I can go if you’d like,” Kara offered, doing her best to hide her disappointment when Lena pulled away. 

Lena was oblivious, though. She simply shrugged and made her way over to the front door without a second thought. “Yeah, it’s no problem. I just went anyway, so you guys keep playing without me,” she said as she slipped on her shoes. 

“Okay, hurry up, I can basically smell the potstickers from here,” Kara called out. 

“Don’t worry, darling.” Lena nodded with a chuckle. “I’ll be right back.”

* * *

“Hey, I’m detective Maggie Sawyer, I’m here about the Jane Doe you found wandering in the woods,” Maggie said, setting her hands on her hips as she approached the doctor. “I know you can’t give me any medical information, but if you know anything about where she was coming from or even just her name, that would be really helpful.” 

“Unfortunately, she hasn’t spoken to anyone yet. We’ve had a bunch of staff members going in and out of her room but nobody’s been able to get a word,” the doctor said.

Maggie nodded and pursed her lips, her gaze drifting to what she hoped was the door to Lena’s room. 

“How many people would you say have been in there?” She asked. 

“I’m not sure. The nurses switched shifts a few hours after she was admitted so maybe about ten if you count the people who did her scans.” 

Maggie had to resist the urge to lecture him right then and there. Lena wouldn’t have been comfortable being poked and prodded at by ten doctors on a _good_ day, there was no way she would’ve felt okay with it after having every sense of autonomy stripped from her.

“Okay. Well, do you know how she got her injuries or the severity?” Maggie asked, physically biting her tongue to keep from snapping. 

“Well, as I said, it’s hard to know exactly what happened since she hasn’t spoken yet. But the injuries sustained to her wrists and ankles indicate she’d been in restraints for a while. And not just the bruises, but both wrists had been dislocated. We’ve reset her left one, however, she’d been able to pop her right one back into place on her own before coming in.” 

Maggie shuddered as she walked at the doctor's side, trying to imagine Lena purposefully popping her wrists out of place one after the other. 

Maybe it was because she and Lena had been through so many of the same things that she’d always felt so protective over her. When they’d met, Lena had been so put together and composed, holding herself in such a manner that nobody would ever suspect the depth that laid beneath her surface of tight dresses and insane work ethic. Now though, to Maggie, Lena was almost like a little sister. She was someone Maggie felt she had a responsibility to look out for, despite knowing Lena didn’t need her help. But the worst-case scenario had happened. And Maggie couldn’t stand the thought that Lena might have to suffer even more.

“Have you paged psych?” She asked. She just needed _one_ thing to put her mind at ease. Lena getting help from someone who knew how to talk to her could be that thing. “No offense or anything, but she’s not going to talk to some random doctor, she needs someone that knows how to help with that kind of thing.” 

“We have. I can’t disclose details with you, but she will be meeting with someone later.” the doctor affirmed. 

Maggie nodded and sighed. Perhaps that should’ve been a relief. Whoever this girl was, she’d at least be getting help. At the end of the day, that was what mattered, right? Even if it wasn’t Lena. 

“So, can I see her now?” Maggie asked.

“Yes. But only for a few minutes.” 

The doctor pushed the door open and Maggie took a step forward. The lights were dim and blinds all closed, monitors were beeping-- what felt like dozens of them all surrounding the bed. 

Maggie's heart fell straight through her stomach at the sight, the frail girl lying down, staring up at her only a shell of the woman she’d once been. She brought a hand up to her chest as she took it all in; the sunken, hollow cheeks, the black and red circles hanging beneath her eyes looking like bruises against her ghostly white skin. She looked like someone straight out of a Tim Burton movie, only worse. 

She’d known what she was walking into, sure, but this… this was so much more than she could’ve imagined. 

“Lena?” Maggie whispered, tears filling her eyes as she took another step forward. 

It was her, it was really her. She was so broken and fragile but she was there. Everything they’d wanted for what felt like an eternity, finally had come true. So why was she still so afraid?

“You’re… wow…” Maggie breathed, unable to form the words to show just how happy she was. “You’re alive.” 

“You’re really…” Maggie bit her lip, smiling through her tears as she took in the sight. Lena’s left hand was in a splint all the way up to her elbow. Her right arm was wrapped in bandages with a brace over her wrist but Maggie could still make out the bruises creeping onto her hands. There was a round open gash in the middle of her forehead. It didn’t take much imagination to know how she’d gotten it.

Still, though, Maggie couldn’t even see all of it, most of Lena’s body was hidden by the blanket and her gown. But she knew it could not be any good.

“Can I… can I hug you?” 

Lena nodded and Maggie had to refrain from running over to her. As she wrapped her arms around Lena, she made sure now to hold her too tightly. The doctors said she’d suffered from multiple broken ribs-- she didn’t want to crush her beneath her weight. But once Lena was in her grasp, Maggie released a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding in, letting herself hold her and be reminded that it was all just going to go up from there. 

“I’m so glad you’re here,” she breathed as she felt Lena begin to tremble against her. 

“Shit-- I’m sorry, am I hurting you?” Maggie asked and quickly pulled away.

Lena didn’t say a word. Her lips pulled into a frown and she quickly averted her gaze, sniffling as her own tears began to spill over. 

“I’m just… I’m so glad you’re back, kiddo. I didn’t mean to upset you.” 

Maggie did her best to keep her cries at bay as she smiled reassuringly, trying to figure out the right thing to say so she wouldn’t overwhelm her even more. If Kara was there, Maggie was sure she would’ve known what to do. She and Lena had just had that spark, they’d always been so good at communicating with one another. 

However, Maggie never seemed to know. She never knew how to say what she was feeling without joking about it. Alex understood that, she did the same thing. For them, it was just easier to laugh until they were ready to talk. But this was Lena. Lena who was so scared and alone and needed someone to be there for her after over a year of having no one. So Maggie had to get it together and be that person, even if she didn’t know how. 

“We missed you so much-- god, there’s so much to tell you,” she said. “I’m supposed to be questioning you right now, but we can do all that later, I’m just so freaking happy to see you again.” 

Lena swallowed the sob rising to the top of her throat as she let her eyes drift back over to her friend. Her heart was aching at the way Maggie’s voice shook. She hadn’t heard real emotion in so long, she’d almost forgotten how overwhelming it could be.

“Maggie?” She whispered, afraid of letting herself get too loud. 

“Yeah?” 

“You’re here?” 

Maggie nodded. “Yeah, I’m right here.”

As she choked back another cry, Lena reached out her trembling hand ever so slightly. She could hardly move her fingers at all due to the splint, but Maggie picked up on the gesture nevertheless. She brushed her fingers against Lena’s, gently holding her hand to let her know she wasn’t going anywhere. 

“Kara and Alex are here too, they’re in the waiting room if you wanna see them.” 

“Kara?” 

Maggie nodded once more. “Yeah, we pretty much had to physically stop her from coming in here, she can’t wait to see you again,” she said with a soft chuckle. 

“She’s… Kara’s here?”

Lena didn’t understand. Kara stopped looking, she’d said it was time to move on. Hadn’t that meant she didn’t care anymore?

“Yeah, of course, she’s here. I can get her if you want,” Maggie offered. 

Lena hesitated. She looked down at her lap, trying to work the whole thing out as best she could. She wanted to believe it was true, that Kara was there and she still loved her through all of it. She wished more than anything that things could be normal, that she could see her again and Kara would hug Lena in that way that always made her feel so safe. She’d give anything for that to be real. 

But she’d heard the recording, she’d heard it so many times it was permanently engraved in her brain, playing all over again every time she dared wish for something she knew would never be true. That had to be the truth, right? She’d heard it loud and clear. Recordings didn’t lie. People did maybe, but not facts. And that sound, it had to be a fact.

“Maggie?” Lena asked once more. 

“Yeah?” 

Lena tilted her head to the side, the gears almost visibly turning as she furrowed her brow and tried to put the right words together. 

“I…” Lena shook her head and let it fall back against the pillow. She looked up at Maggie, her eyes glassed over and filled with tears. “Nevermind.” 

“Lena, whatever you want, you can ask for,” Maggie said. “We all owe you big time, okay? Whatever you want, we’ll get it.”

“It’s okay,” Lena said. 

Maggie took the tissue box from off her bedside table and set it by Lena’s side, smiling sadly as she watched her. 

“Do you want me to get Kara?” Maggie asked, easily assuming that was what she needed, she was just too afraid to ask.

But Lena shook her head. She curled in around herself, crying out in pain from the movement. Letting out a sob, Lena subtly extended the tips of her fingers back to Maggie. And almost instantly, Maggie took Lena’s broken hand in hers. 

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I’m here, it’s okay.” 

Lena nodded, her eyes never leaving Maggie as she cried. Her entire body shook, all her monitors spiking from the stress. But she couldn’t get herself to stop. She couldn’t even hear a word leaving Maggie’s mouth as she tried to help her calm down. All she could manage to think about was how she was out. She was finally out, and nothing was going the way she wanted. 

* * *

Kara drummed her fingers against her knee as she bounced her leg up and down so quickly she was sure if she went any faster she might start drilling a hole into the waiting room floor. 

“Have you heard anything else from Maggie?” She asked, glancing over at Alex, who was stiffly scrolling through her phone. 

“Nothing new. She said Lena talked to her a little and now she’s sleeping.” 

“Does she think she’ll be up soon?” Kara asked. “Like is a deep sleep because of how heavy the drugs she’s on are, or is she just napping? Because if she’s napping, when she wakes up, maybe she’ll be ready to see me. And I-- if she is, I need to be ready.” Alex opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted before she could even get in a word. 

“I just… I really want to see her. I don’t want her to think I abandoned her or that I don’t care because I… I do. And I know Lena, I know if I’m not there she’ll think it’s because I don’t want to be with her. But I do… and I need her to know that.” 

Alex sighed and nodded. She looked back down at her phone, rereading the text Maggie had sent almost half an hour ago when she’d first asked if Lena was up for more visitors. 

_Asked Lena if she wants to see Kara, she said no. Don’t let Kara panic. I think her initial shock is still wearing off and she’ll come around soon. Just needs some time._

“She won’t think that,” Alex said softly. “She knows how much you love her.” 

“How can you be so sure?”

Kara stood and shook out her hands, continuing to shake them by her side as she paced back and forth in front of Alex. 

“She was gone for a year Alex and nobody came for her,” Kara rambled. “If she’s mad… Rao, she has every right to be. Especially at me.” 

“Okay, you’re right. I don’t know how she’s going to react. But this wasn’t your fault. And you know Lena, she’s not the type of person to put the blame on you.” 

Kara folded her arms over her chest. She pursed her lips and tried to imagine that maybe Alex could be right. She wanted to believe she was, she really did. She’d give anything to see Lena again and to be able to welcome her with open arms the way she’d dreamed of doing all 375 nights Lena was gone.

But Lena had been hurt by so many people. Even if the past year had been taken out of the equation, she’d only become as close as she had with Kara because they’d worked on their relationship for years. They’d learned to earn each other's trust, they’d shown how much they cared about one another time and time again until eventually, there was no one Lena would rather spend her time with and vice versa. Now, all of that could be gone. And maybe it wasn’t Kara’s fault, but that didn’t mean it was going to be easy to get her friend back after all this time. 

“I don’t think she’ll blame me,” Kara said softly, looking down at her shoes as she sighed. “But whatever happens… I just have a bad feeling.” 

* * *

The doctors had said Lena was ready for a real visit. They’d told Kara she could have a few minutes before she had to go, which Kara gladly accepted. And then, they’d warned her. They told her Lena wasn’t going to look like herself. That since her admission, something had gone wrong and they’d had to put her on supplemental oxygen. They’d said there were cuts on her face then started talking about the machines she was hooked up to, which was when Kara had started to zone out. She’d been so hyper-focused, just thinking about _seeing_ Lena in person every word they’d said went right through her. 

Now, Kara shook out her hands and drew in a deep breath before slowly pushing open the door to Lena’s room. She’d done her best to prepare herself, but this was it. There was no going back.

The cold air hit her like a wall of bricks as she took a step forward, ant-like shivers rushing down her spine and covering her body with goosebumps. The monitors beeped loudly, there were so many of them the noise all piled up together and sat on Kara’s shoulders, physically holding her down as she tried to move. 

Lena watched from her bed, holding a hand over her chest as she quietly observed, fidgeting with the oxygen tube between her index and middle finger. Everything looked so different. Kara’s hair was longer. Her clothes had changed from those pastel button-downs and khaki pants she used to wear to leggings, a grey cardigan, and a simple t-shirt.

Lena bit her lip, leaning further into her pillow as she noticed the bangs that looked like Kara had cut herself. She almost seemed taller than Lena remembered, too. But despite this, something about her was smaller, weaker. As if she’d slowly started to disappear, bit by bit having chipped away every day she went without the presence of her best friend. 

Kara turned around, her jaw dropping when she saw her friend. She stood there for a minute, completely frozen and breathless as she took her in, the pale skin, bruises, and big green eyes. Lena’s lower lip quivered and Kara could tell she was doing her best not to cry. She could only imagine how overwhelmed she must’ve felt, it seemed like it all would’ve been too much to bear. 

“Oh, Rao… you’re really here?” Kara whispered from where she stood, holding a hand up over her mouth in disbelief. She wanted to run to her, to pick Lena up and hold her tightly in her arms and never have to let go. More than anything in the world, Kara _needed_ to be able to hold onto her and tell her it would all be okay, that she had her now and this time around she was never going to let anything happen to her. 

But for a moment, she couldn’t bring herself to move. She just stared in disbelief, uttering the words _you’re here_ once more as she desperately tried to take it all in. 

Lena didn’t say anything in response. She just watched, watched as Kara eventually came closer and her heartbeat picked up. She knew when people came closer that quickly it meant she’d done something wrong and she was going to be put in her place.

That was what Lillian taught her. And that was what whoever kept her in that basement for the past year had made sure she’d never forgotten. 

Instinctively, Lena pulled away and closed her eyes, Kara coming to a dead stop as she saw her cover her face with her right arm. 

“Oh Rao-- I’m sorry, I- I’m not gonna hurt you,” Kara stammered, tears beginning to fall as she brought her shaky hands up to her forehead. How could she have messed up already? She’d been there for all of five minutes and already Lena was afraid, how could she have been so stupid? “I’m sorry, Lena, I wasn’t gonna hurt you.” 

But Lena didn’t move. She kept her hand over her face, her entire body trembling as she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to tell herself it would all be over soon. The noise was ringing in her ears, recordings blaring, red and black splotches clouding her vision. Lena could feel her hot shaky breath against her arm, she knew Kara could hear her struggling but if she was saying anything, Lena couldn’t tell. Her head was so loud, it overpowered everything else. 

By the time she regained full hearing, though, it all just seemed to get worse. 

“Kara, what’s going on, what happened?” It was Alex’s voice, it was so familiar yet so foreign in Lena’s ears. The last time she’d heard it was those recordings but this felt so different. It felt like hearing it for the first time all over again. 

“I don’t know, I- I just-- I went to get closer but I…” Kara was crying now. She hiccuped between her words, the fear in her voice echoing off the walls. Even without looking, Lena could see how terrified she was. “She’s scared of me, Alex. I don’t know what I did… she’s scared of me.” 

“Hey, it’s not your fault. She’s been through hell and back, she just needs time to warm up to you again,” Alex whispered. “Why don’t we wait outside, we’ll give her some space and you can try again tomorrow.” 

Kara gave a reluctant nod, sniffling as she wiped her eyes and glanced back at Lena, who was still curled up in that same position. Alex helped guide her out of the room, offering words of reassurance as Kara cried. 

The door then shut and footsteps steadily approached, Lena’s grasp on herself tightening just in case. 

“Hey, it’s just Maggie,” came a voice. “You’re okay, they’re all gone.” 

Slowly, Lena moved her arm ever so slightly just so she could see Maggie’s face. Her cheeks were bright red, eyes blotchy, and filled with tears, but Maggie didn’t mention it. That wasn’t what was important right now. 

“I know you’re scared, but I promise, Kara’s not gonna hurt you,” Maggie said softly. 

Lena looked down at Maggie’s shoes and allowed herself to take away her arm entirely, shamefully wiping her eyes and fixing her cannula. 

“If you’re uh… I don’t know, this has been… a lot. Do you want me to go too so you can be alone?” Maggie asked. 

Lena shook her head. 

“Okay.” Maggie took a seat beside her and folded one leg over the other, awkwardly drumming her fingers against her knee. “Uh… wanna hear about the murderer I caught last week?” 

Managing a small smile, Lena smiled and allowed herself to breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe everything else was terrifying and new, but at least she had one person she knew was safe. 

* * *

Kara touched down in her living room, tears blurring her vision. She’d stayed in the waiting room for hours after she’d left Lena, just hoping that maybe Lena would feel ready to see her again. But then she’d gotten that text from Maggie and she knew it was useless. 

_Don’t worry, I’m staying with her and Alex is right outside her door. I don’t think she can handle another visit today, but she seems to be feeling a little better._

Now, Kara was home and more than ready to give up for the day. She just wanted Lena to get better. Maybe she wouldn’t be the one to help the way she’d wanted. But as much as that hurt, Kara knew it wasn’t up to her. So if pushing her own hurt down was what it took to make it all easier on Lena, that was just what Kara would do. 

She made her way into the kitchen and opened the cabinet doors, within seconds pulling out everything she remembered needing from the last time she’d made cookies. She wasn’t sure where the recipe box Eliza had given her was but she’d figure it out. But if she didn’t, it wouldn’t matter. She just needed some sort of distraction, anything to keep her mind off her disaster of a day. 

_Lena would laugh if she knew you were grief baking_ , Kara thought to herself as she clumsily pulled out a mixing bowl from her cupboard. _She’d pull you out of the apartment and take you shopping and force you to have fun with her until you forgot why you’d been grief baking in the first place._

Kara shook her head and quickly pulled her hair up into a messy bun. She needed to stop. She needed to focus, to think about something other than Lena and how her best friend in the entire world was sitting scared and alone in a hospital bed with Maggie of all people while Kara was nowhere to be found. 

She sighed and messily scooped out a cup of flour, not bothering to even it out properly before she plopped it into her bowl. 

_3 cups, right? Or is that too much?_

Her hand shook violently as she scooped out another cup. It didn’t matter how badly she wanted to stop thinking about it. It didn’t matter that she knew Lena was right about her whole baking thing being useless since she only ever baked from scratch when she was sad as she didn’t have the patience when she was in a good mood to do it all herself. But more than that, it didn’t matter because she knew no matter what she did, she’d never be able to stop thinking about Lena. 

_You should be with her. You abandoned her to what, make crappy cookies? What kind of friend does that?_

She’d failed her. She had one job as Supergirl, to help the people around her. But how could she do that when she couldn’t even keep Lena safe? 

“She doesn’t want me there,” Kara muttered, blinking back her tears as she reached for another cup. “She’s scared of me, she doesn’t want me there.”

_Maybe she’s scared of you because you left her to die. She was gone for a year and you were supposed to find her and you didn’t. You failed her. She’s scared because you failed her._

Kara stopped. She put the measuring cup down and leaned against the kitchen table. 

“Why doesn’t she want me there?” She whispered. Her voice broke and so did a chunk of the table from how tightly she gripped it. “Why did I have to fail?” 

As she fell to the ground, Kara let out a sob and threw the wood chips to the ground. She couldn’t get the image of Lena hiding from her at the hospital out of her head. The way she’d flinched when Kara came closer and covered herself with her arm in case Kara tried to hurt her. 

“I’m so sorry, Lena,” Kara cried, holding her hands to her forehead as leaned back against one of the chairs. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” 

She’d been scared of her, she’d been so scared of her.

_She used to call you her hero, not Supergirl. Kara Danvers was her hero._

All Kara wanted was to make it better for her friend. But how could she do that now after falling short so many times? 

“I’m sorry, Lena,” Kara cried again, closing her eyes and allowing the sobs to wreak her body. “I failed you-- I’m sorry.” 

_You’re not her hero anymore. You’re her villain._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay yeah i'm sorry for that this chapter was definitely like a big punch in the gut  
> also idk why, but I always felt like it would've been more realistic to kinda form a trauma bond with maggie since maggie was the first one she saw after being found. so yeah, I hope that part made sense to you guys too  
> and as always, if you have any thoughts or questions, please leave it in the comments, I love getting feedback <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena searches for ways to take control back over her life. She also starts letting Kara back in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning- self-harm and eating disordered behaviors. Just to clarify: Lena doesn't have an eating disorder. But she's extremely malnourished so her state of mind isn't healthy at all. Mixed with the trauma she's experienced, she has thoughts/motives similar to those who suffer from eds. They'll go away, but for now, it's an internal struggle for her.

Kara remembered listening for the sound of Lena’s heart, listening for something as the rest of the group started going back to the game. She remembered the silence, the painful, deafening silence. 

“Guys, I’m gonna go check on her.”

Her knee had been bouncing up and down. She tapped her fingers together, watching her legs as she moved. She had to go faster,  _ needed  _ to go faster. 

“She’s just getting the food,” Alex had said without looking up as she sorted through her Monopoly money. 

“She shouldn’t be taking this long.” At that point, Kara stood up. Maybe she was being irrational, but she couldn’t hear Lena’s heartbeat. She could  _ always _ hear Lena’s heartbeat. 

“Kara, she’s fine, she’s just getting the potstickers. Come on, it’s your turn anyway, let’s finish the game.” 

Kara didn’t listen. She’d run to the other end of the room, run down the stairs, run to the empty lobby and run straight outside. It was all so loud. The noise was tumultuous, almost impossible to bear. Cabs were honking, tires screeching. She could hear siblings fighting and the flicker of gas stoves being turned on. Fridge doors opening and windows being slammed shut. The entire city was sitting right on her shoulders, pounding against her ears. 

But Lena was gone. The one thing she needed to hear, she needed to detect, was nowhere to be found. 

And before she knew it, Kara was running again. She’d run right back up the stairs and burst back into her loft, panting heavily as she ran her hands through her hair, unable to process what had happened. Lena was there one minute and then the next she was gone. It was so simple but impossible for Kara to wrap her head around. 

By the time she was back inside her apartment with everyone's eyes on her, she was completely out of breath, only not from exhaustion the way humans got. Come to think of it, Kara had never really been out of breath before. From overworking herself or other means, it had just never happened. But now here she was, panting like some sort of animal, filled to the brim with terror. 

Because how could Lena be gone? She’d went to get the takeout, she’d taken a break from playing a stupid board game so she could pay for the potstickers. How could she have disappeared? How could they have not noticed? 

“She’s-- she isn't there. I went downstairs-- Le- Lena, she-- she’s gone. You told me-- you told me not to go and she’s gone!”

“Okay, Kara, slow down,” Alex had said. She’d stood up slowly, knowing if she lost her cool so would everyone else. “Just tell me what happened, I’m sure we’ll be able to figure it out.” 

Kara shook her head. There was a bitter taste sitting on the tip of her tongue, a nagging feeling pulling at her chest telling her they wouldn’t just be able to go down to the DEO and find Lena before the end of the night-- and it wasn’t just her newfound obsession with True Crime television talking. Something was wrong. She wasn’t sure what, but Kara was sure, something had to be wrong. 

* * *

Kelly, the psychologist Lena had been assigned, came in during the morning. She didn’t wear scrubs like the other doctors, which Lena found reassuring at first, but she always seemed to arrive when Lena wanted nothing more than to be left alone. 

This time, she entered during breakfast. Lena sat in bed, wrapped up arm over her stomach, staring at the untouched tray of food hovering over her lap. Kelly sat in the armchair beside her with a clipboard, taking note of Lena’s behaviors or in this case-- lack thereof. 

“I talked to your doctor just now, he said you wouldn’t eat dinner last night,” she commented. “Is there anything I can do to help with that? Maybe there’s something you’d feel safer eating that we can get you.” 

Lena didn’t say anything. She bit down on the inside of her mouth and looked down at her hands. Everything felt numb. She was burning and cold but oppressively numb. She could still feel the pain, she knew where it was without having to look. But something about it was dulled and not because of the medications she’d been prescribed.

“I know there’s a coffee cart outside. If you wanted a pastry or bagel I could send someone to go get it for you.”

Lena narrowed her eyes, focusing on the patterns running across her knuckles. There was a bright light coming in through the window, it made it uncomfortable to look at anything else. One of the nurses had rolled up the blinds yesterday to show Lena the view of the city, she must’ve forgotten to put them back down. 

“Your friends are still here, I believe they stayed over last night,” Kelly continued. “If you think it might help, I can ask one of them to come have breakfast with you. I do understand that this is hard, but we need to find some sort of solution since it isn’t healthy for you to refuse food.”

Kelly tilted her head ever so slightly, trying to see at least some sort of change in Lena’s expression. But there was nothing. Lena just sat there, picking at her splint and chewing her bottom lip. 

“You don’t have to talk to me, you don’t even have to look me in the eye, but you need to help me out here,” Kelly said softly. “We all want you to get better, Lena. But right now, you’re sabotaging your own treatment. So can you try to give me some acknowledgment so I know what you want?” 

Lena sighed and turned her head so she was staring out the open window. She laid her head back against her pillow, holding her rumbling stomach with her injured hand as she thought about what Kelly had meant when she said _friends_. Did it include Kara, or was it just Alex and Maggie? She didn’t want to ask, she didn’t want them to think she was being clingy or they’d quickly grow weary of her and it hadn’t even been a full day. So Lena stared straight in front of her, trying to imagine what the city below looked like.

The light streaming in and the numbness all over her body caused tears to well up in her eyes-- tears that Lena quickly blinked back. She couldn’t cry in front of Kelly, she knew she was better than that. She’d already had every last bit of herself stripped away but now that she was back, she still had her dignity. And she wasn’t going to lose it all over again. Not if she got to be the one in charge for once. 

“Okay… I can tell you’re not ready to do this right now,” Lena could hear Kelly say. “I can come back later and maybe then you’ll feel ready to work with me. Do you think you can try to eat something before I get back? Maybe just a snack?” 

Lena closed her eyes as she willed herself not to cry. She couldn’t do it, she wanted to so badly but she couldn’t. And there was no use in trying to explain because she knew Kelly would never be able to understand.

It wasn’t because Lena didn’t want to eat, it wasn’t up to her anymore. It was too much all at once and if it didn’t stop coming, Lena was going to break completely. All she wanted was to get back to the woman she used to be, but if she let herself start to crumble she’d never get there. So she’d continue to refuse food. It was stupid and reckless, she knew that. But it was better than showing everyone how afraid she really was. And maybe then, once she was back in control, she could start to do things normally. 

“Alright, I’ll come back in a bit, Lena.” 

Lena waited a moment, holding her breath until she heard the door close and let out a whimper. She threw her less injured hand over her mouth as she swallowed her sob, begging herself to stop before she lost the discipline she so desperately needed. She had to be better. She was never going to get back to who she used to be if she continued to fall apart. 

So she wiped her eyes and punched the spot on the bed next to her, crying out at the pain that shot through her wrist all the way up to her elbow. She’d get her control back soon. She  _ had _ to get her control back. 

* * *

It was about another hour before Lena’s door opened again. Lena was still laying in that same with her head turned to the side, only her breakfast had been taken away by one of the nurses. 

“Hey… I’m sorry I uh, I wasn’t sure if you wanted to see me or not… I- I can go, your doctor just let me in so I guess I thought I’d say hi.”

It was Kara’s voice this time. She sounded nervous, as if she were waiting for some sort of jump scare. It made Lena’s heartache from familiarity. It was even worse knowing it was all her fault for the way she’d reacted yesterday. 

“And I… I’m sorry about yesterday. I really didn’t mean to scare you I…” Kara sighed, shifting her weight between her heels as she looked down shamefully at the floor. “I got excited. I  _ am _ still so excited that you’re back I just-- I should’ve asked to come closer before doing anything and I’m sorry.” 

Lena hesitated, biting her lip as she processed Kara’s words. It just didn’t make any sense, none of it did.

“Also I uh… I brought you some food,” Kara added. “Just Big Belly Burger and some cookies I made, but I should warn you my baking skills have not improved in the last year so maybe just stick to the pre-packaged stuff.”

She stopped for a moment, waiting for Lena to respond. But Lena didn’t say a word.

“I know none of it’s technically breakfast food, but you used to love Big Belly Burger, so I figured, why not, ya know? It’s probably better than whatever they’re giving you here.” 

Lena bit her lip, frowning slightly as she heard Kara set the bag down on her tray. 

“So… yeah, I can tell you don’t really want anyone in here right now… so I can head out. But I- I hope you like the stuff, and I can come back tomorrow if you want. If not though, I understand.”

Lena cursed herself at those words. Before she could give it a second thought, she slowly rolled her head back over so she was facing Kara. Lena just needed to see her, to know she was there. She’d spent over a year of her life alone and now, more than anything, she just needed her friend. 

“Do you want me to stay?” 

Without saying a word, Lena’s teary eyes widened. She wished she could bring herself to say it out loud, but all she could do was stare up at Kara and hope she got the message. 

Kara smiled, relief washing over her.

“Can I sit?” She asked. 

Lena managed a small nod and Kara pulled up a chair, taking a seat at her bedside. 

“So I… there’s a lot I want to tell you,” Kara began, laughing nervously. Her eyes grazed over Lena’s body, absorbing the sight of her best friend for the first time in what felt like an eternity. She was so much smaller than Kara had initially thought. Her collar bones poked through her skin, her cheeks hollow and sunken in like a deflated balloon.

“But I uh, I don’t want to overwhelm you. We can wait to get into all of it. I'm just… Rao, you have no idea how glad I am that you’re here.” 

Eyeing the bag of takeout on her tray, Lena bit her lip. Her stomach was rumbling and aching, she was cold all over, covered in goosebumps and shiny blue veins. She didn’t know hospital food but she’d had this before, she’d had Big Belly Burger, she’d had it with Kara. Could that work as her control? If she knew what it was, if she knew it was safe, could she let herself have it?

Or did familiarity not matter anymore? Because if she applied the same logic of safety and familiarity to everything, that meant Kara was safe too and Lena still didn’t know how to feel about her. She wanted her to be, more than anything she wanted the Kara she’d grown to love. But so much had been taken already, she had to be prepared to lose her friends too. 

“And I-- I brought food for myself too. Do you mind if I eat?” Kara asked, deep down hoping maybe if she ate something, Lena would too. 

Lena didn’t respond, but her eyes drifted back to Kara. She watched the dimples at the corners of her mouth and the way her blonde waves bounced when she moved. Lena forced a slight smile, the closest she could get to verbally telling her yes. 

Soon enough, Kara began to sort through the bag. She set a burger and large container of fries next to Lena so she could take it if she felt ready before getting to her own food, not saying a word as she organized it all.

“You’ve got a really nice view from here,” Kara commented and popped a handful of fries into her mouth. “It kinda reminds me of your apartment.” 

She paused, her eyes widening as she realized what she’d said. “Not-- no, not the hospital. Your apartment isn’t like a hospital there’s just-- you have a good view there and a good one here I--” Kara sighed, smiling awkwardly. “...Yeah.” 

But something about her panicked ramblings and the way she tripped over her words was so comforting. It reminded Lena of the old Kara, of movie nights and hanging out on Kara’s fire escape, wrapped in blankets, eating cups of Ramen noodles and making up stories about the people walking across the streets below them. 

“Kara?” Lena whispered after a moment of silence. Her heart was racing, the monitors all spiking, causing her entire face to turn bright red. She could only hope Kara wouldn’t comment on it.

“Yeah?”

“You’re sad,” Lena said quietly. “You’re… you look so sad.” 

Kara shook her head, tears springing to her eyes. “It’s okay. You don’t need to worry about me, Lena.” 

Lena furrowed her brow, watching as Kara painstakingly tried to pull herself back together. The crinkle beside her nose had been there ever since yesterday, the glassiness disconnect in her eyes clear to anyone who cared enough to pay attention. 

That must’ve been why Kara stopped looking. It had been too much for her. That wasn’t what it sounded like on the recording, but maybe Lena just hadn’t been able to tell? After all, she’d put them all through the worst year of their lives. Kara had stopped looking but only because of the pain Lena had caused her. It made sense that it would be Lena’s fault, it always seemed to end up back on her. 

“That’s why…”

She’d been gone for a year and yet the burden she caused the super friends had only grown with every day that passed. She’d thought they’d be happier without her, she’d thought they wouldn’t want her anymore. That was what everyone said, that was what Lillian had told her throughout her entire childhood; the world was better off without her. How could she have vanished and still managed to mess everything up?

“That’s why what?” 

“I’m sorry.” Lena’s voice broke, a soft, strangled, cry escaping her lips. “I’m sorry, Kara.” 

“No, Lena, it’s not your fault,” Kara assured her. “None of this is your fault, none of it.”

Lena shook her head. “I’m so sorry.” 

“You don’t need to apologize. Please… Lena, I promise, nobody’s mad at you. We all just want you to be okay, we’re not mad,” Kara said softly. She wanted more than anything in the world to be able to hug her. She wanted to hold Lena the way she used to and tell her it would all be okay. She wanted to be the one to make it okay so Lena wouldn’t have to be afraid anymore. 

But she couldn’t, she wasn’t that person anymore. And even if she could, there was no way to be sure that she’d ever get rid of the fear entirely. No matter what happened, they were both utterly powerless.

“I ruined it,” Lena wept, gasping for air that seemed to be just out of her reach. 

“No, Lena, this isn’t your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong.” 

Lena let out a sob. She went to cover her face with her splinted arm, but she hit the gash in her forehead instead, letting out a cry at the impact. Instead of moving through, she pressed her hand against it, harder and harder until she felt the wound reopen. 

“Lena, you’re hurting yourself!” Kara exclaimed. And without taking a second to think, she reached out and quickly moved Lena’s hand away. Lena cried out, terror ringing through her scream as multiple doctors rushed into her room. 

All the color drained from Kara’s face. She stepped backward, paralyzed by the wide-eyed deer in the headlights look on Lena’s face. The doctors were all rushing to her aid, her heart pounding over the sound of the monitors. 

“I’m so sorry,” Kara whispered, the realization of what she’d done sinking in. “Oh, Lena… I’m  _ so _ sorry.” 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena is forced to have emergency surgery. Alex tells Maggie the real reason she wanted to stop looking for Lena. Literally, everyone is on the brink of a breakdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've never written anything good in my entire life and this is no exception :,)   
> also my semester literally ends today someone tell me to do my homework instead of writing

There was a dullness in Lena’s chest, an ache spreading over her, starting in her stomach and extending slowly like the legs of a spider in all directions. It fizzled out in her head, there remaining a tingling sensation where the gauze had been wrapped around her forehead so she couldn’t touch the open wound. The worst part though was the goosebumps and infant-like fuzz all over her arms. Her entire body was numb. Numb, cold, and broken. As if she were a static television set, slipping in and out of cottony consciousness every few minutes.

Not bad enough to fall apart entirely, but still, miles off from the functionality she used to have. 

Throughout the past two days, Lena spent most of her time with Maggie. Maggie sat at her side when the doctors poked and prodded at her. She held Lena’s hand during exams and sat with her while she mentally recovered after. She even walked with her to x-rays and other scans when she could. Maggie had quickly found Lena hated those the most, though, she still wasn’t sure why.

“I know you’re sick of this question, but I just wanted to check in…” Maggie asked, folding her thumbs together. They’d been sitting together for a little while. Maggie pretty much carried the conversation herself, but occasionally Lena would offer up a few words. That was how Maggie knew to keep going; because the more she spoke, the more Lena engaged. 

“Have you eaten anything today?” 

“No,” Lena breathed. She looked down at her own hands, examining the blue and purple discoloration bleeding through her fingers. She’d been on her own for so many months she’d been able to convince herself it was normal. Now, she saw Maggie’s and realized that wasn’t the case at all. “I’m supposed to have surgery done on my hand in a few hours so I… I can’t.” 

Maggie nodded. “Oh, okay. I uh… no one mentioned it, that’s why I asked. But I- I hope it goes well.” 

Lena managed a smile. “Thank you,” she said. 

She tilted her head slightly, keeping it flat against her bed. She’d tried to sit up a few times, each instance with the help of a nurse. But every time, she’d passed out.

She couldn’t remember it. She remembered moving and the dizziness rushing over her body before it all went black. But there was nothing after that. 

Now, laying there overwhelmed with the freezing sensation radiating through her, even if she’d had the energy, Lena would’ve been too afraid to move at all. 

“I think Alex and Kara are at the gift shop right now. If Kara doesn’t get too distracted by the colorful rocks, I’m pretty sure they’re gonna bring some stuff by later,” Maggie said, chuckling softly. “I don’t know if I should’ve told you, they might have wanted it to be a surprise. But I don’t know how you’re feeling about surprises right now, so just act as if they caught you off guard and they won’t suspect anything.” 

Lena smiled again, her pale cheeks developing a slightly pink tint. She turned her head so she could see Maggie, a bitter taste forming at the base of her throat. She cringed and did her best to swallow it, but it shot up to her mouth as she coughed in an attempt to push it back. 

“Hey, are you okay?” 

“Yeah, just a little chilly.” 

Maggie furrowed her brow but didn’t say anything. It had to be at least seventy degrees in her room, the nurses had to keep turning up the heat because Lena’s temperature had dropped so low.

“Can I fix your blanket for you?” She offered. “I won’t touch you, just the blanket.” 

Lena nodded. She closed her eyes, bracing herself for the movement as she slowly picked up her arms. They might as well have been as heavy as the Titanic as she lifted them. After only a second, they fell limply by her side. 

“Okay, I’m just gonna pull it up now.” Maggie stood up and reached for the blanket. She lifted it, hesitating upon noticing the shadow that fell over Lena’s stomach. She then pulled the sheet back to get a better look, gasping at the crimson spot that had soaked through Lena’s gown. “Lena… Lena, you’re bleeding.”

Lena tilted her eyes downward, spots of black specks crowding her line of vision. 

“Oh my God-- Lena, why didn’t you say anything?” Maggie asked, repeatedly slamming the emergency button next to Lena’s bed. “Why--” 

“...di… di… know…” 

“Shit Lena,” Maggie muttered as Lena’s head fell by her shoulder, her eyes blinking rapidly a few times before falling shut. 

“Lena! No-- Lena!” 

* * *

“Hey, what about this?” Kara held up a plush tiger, smiling as she showed it to Alex. “It has a hot water bottle inside so Lena can use it when she’s in pain. And, it’s pretty adorable.”

“I like it,” Alex approved.

“I’m also thinking about getting her some of those hard candies she used to like,” Kara continued. “I know she probably won’t eat them, but it might make her happy to know I still remember.” 

Alex nodded. “That’s a really nice gesture, Kara. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.” 

The bell above the gift shop door rang out, catching the attention of both sisters. Maggie entered, her steps slow and steady as she approached, a solemn look crossing on her face.

“Hey, Maggie, what’s wrong?” Alex asked, setting a steady hand on her shoulder. 

“It’s Lena,” Maggie said. “She’s in surgery, she bled through her gown and she passed out-- o- or she had a seizure, maybe even both. I’m not sure.” 

“Oh Rao,” Kara breathed, all the color draining from her face. How could that happen? How could she have bled that much without anyone noticing? Weren’t the doctors there to prevent that kind of thing? She was out, sure but she was still suffering. They were torturing her only now with different methods. And Kara was right there, she was close enough that she could’ve done something, she could’ve been there to help. But still, just like always, she’d managed to fall short. 

“I guess the wound got infected and Lena has like... no immune system right now so it… it doesn’t look good,” Maggie continued. “I don’t think they’re gonna operate on her hand today now either, she-- she isn’t strong enough to go under anesthesia twice.” 

Kara wrapped her fingers around the stuffed tiger, pressing into it until her knuckles turned white and she could feel the water bottle closing in around her palm. She couldn’t believe it. Lena was supposed to be getting better, not worse but it seemed like everything was falling apart.

“But she can’t… this won’t kill her, right?” She asked. “She-- she survived all that, she escaped on her own… the infection it-- it can’t kill her.” 

Maggie looked to Alex for help, unsure of what to say. 

“Kara the doctors here are really incredible,” Alex stepped in, reaching out a hand and placing it on Kara’s forearm. “Lena couldn’t be in better hands right now, I promise.”

“That doesn’t answer the question!” Kara’s voice rose with every word. There was panic written all over her face, her bloodshot eyes were wide, bottom lip quivering as she willed herself not to cry. She couldn’t let herself break down, not now. Not when Lena needed all the support she could get. 

“There’s nothing we can say,” Alex said softly. “We aren’t in that OR with Lena, we don’t know her medical history. Only the doctors know, we just have to wait and do our best to trust them.” 

Kara scoffed and shook her head, fingers digging even deeper into the tiger. 

“You’re one to talk about trust, you were ready to give up on her,” she said sharply. 

“Kara…” 

“No, don’t  _ Kara _ me!” Kara snapped. Her palms were soaked in sweat, or maybe the water bottle was leaking. Either way, she was burning up inside. Rage boiling to the brim, it had been sitting steadily for so long but now it was finally starting to spill over. 

“Guys, come on, let’s just talk about this later,” Maggie whispered. 

“You gave up on her, you have no right to tell me to just wait,” Kara cried, tears streaming freely down her cheeks. “You were ready to leave her there-- if it was up to you, we would’ve just let her die! And now she really could and you-- you still don’t care, you  _ never _ cared about her!” 

And just like that the bottle burst, water spraying all across both Alex and Kara. Kara sighed and dropped the tiger. She wiped her eyes and shook her head, the tears continuing to fall. By that point, everyone in the gift shop had their eyes on their group. Silence had fallen over the store, the only noise coming from the water dripping down Kara’s fingers. 

“Danvers, come on,” Maggie said softly and took Alex’s hand in hers. “You need to cool down, come on.” 

“I’m fine, Maggie.” 

“Okay, let’s go calm down anyways, alright?”

Alex nodded and allowed Maggie to guide her out of the gift shop, leaving Kara standing alone in her puddle. She looked down at that broken stuffed animal and swallowed the lump in her throat. With a heaviness in her chest, she dragged her feet across the ground and left through the other exit, making her way out onto the cold sidewalk. 

The sharp air hit her like a brick, causing her to catch her breath in her throat. Kara rubbed her hands together, looking up into the sky as she did her best to even out her breathing. 

All she wanted was for Lena to be okay. It seemed like such a simple request. But every day, they seemed to get further and further away from it becoming a reality. 

* * *

Alex flopped down onto her sofa, leaning over and propping up her head in her hands. Maggie stood in the kitchen, pouring them both mugs of coffee. A little while ago, she’d texted Kara to make sure she was alright but never got a response. She assumed she was still at the hospital, waiting for Lena on her own. 

It wasn’t healthy, Maggie was sure of that. But like most things now, it was out of her control. All she could do now was try to be there for Alex and hope that would be enough. 

“She never yells at me Maggie,” Alex said from the other end of the apartment. “She never yells at anyone, she just isn’t that kind of person.” 

Maggie lifted the mugs and walked into the living room, setting Alex’s on the coffee table as she took a seat on the couch beside her. Alex didn’t look at her, but Maggie could see her drop her shoulders, a sign that she was ready to let her girlfriend in. 

“Yeah, but this whole Lena thing has fucked up all of us. And her and Kara were so close before… she’s just… she’s a different person now, we all are,” Maggie said. She held the mug in two hands, soaking up the warmth as much as she possibly could before taking a sip. 

“I know.” Alex sighed. “Kara just never gets mad at me, or at least not like this. We fight over stupid stuff because that’s what sisters do but she’s never held a grudge before… not until now.” 

“I’m not terrible, am I?” She asked, tilting her head slightly to look Maggie in the eye. 

“No, not at all,” Maggie said without any hesitation. “Why would you say that?” 

“I wanted to stop looking for Lena. Kara was right the whole time and I- I never listened, I just wanted the whole thing to be over.” 

“I don’t think you’re terrible… not for wanting it all to end,” Maggie said. “The rest of us wanted the same thing, you and Kara… you just had different ways of getting there.” 

“Yeah, but if we had done what I wanted, if you hadn’t gone to the hospital to see her, Lena would be all alone. And she’d still be in danger… god, it would be awful.” 

“I guess that’s true.” Maggie moved closer to Alex. She set her hand on her knee, tracing over the rip in her jeans with her pad of her index finger. “But even if we’d kept looking, there was never a guarantee we would’ve found her. Either way, it would’ve been a gamble, you were just trying to protect yourself, and yeah, maybe you didn’t do it the way Kara wanted, but that doesn’t mean it was wrong.” 

Shaking her head, Alex sat up and ran a hand through her hair to push it all out of her face. 

“I just thought it would be easier that way…” she confessed. She could feel her eyes welling up with tears but she quickly blinked them back. After everything she’d done, she knew she didn’t deserve to let herself expel the pain. This was about Kara. Not her. “If I told myself she was dead, then I got to be the one in control.” 

Alex pulled a leg up to her chest and wrapped her arms around it. She rested her cheek on her knee, looking down at Maggie’s lap as she released a heavy breath. 

“Because if I could believe she was gone then if it was ever confirmed, I would’ve already known… I would’ve known and it-- I told myself it wouldn’t hurt that way,” Alex explained, unable to stop the tears that escaped her. 

“And I’d be okay because I- I would’ve already accepted it. So I could be the one to help Kara through it, I’d be the one to help everyone.” 

“Oh… Alex…”

“I was so sure that if we kept looking, things were just going to get worse. And Kara was barely holding it together as it was--  _ I _ was trying so hard to keep her together that I just… I needed an answer and that was the only one I could give myself. It was the only one that wouldn’t destroy her,” Alex sobbed. By the time she was done explaining, she’d fallen into Maggie’s arms and her entire body was shaking violently. 

She’d never said any of it out loud before. She’d never let herself admit it to anyone, even herself. Because if she did, she’d be the weak one. She’d be the one who needed to be taken care of, who needed time off from work, time on her to heal, and time to rest. But Alex didn’t have that sort of time. Just like Kara, she was supposed to help people. No-- she was supposed to help  _ Kara _ so Kara could still be Supergirl and the world wouldn’t collapse beneath them. 

More than anyone or anything, Alex had a responsibility to be there for her sister. If she fucked that up, she’d be ruining everything else that was good in her world. 

“It isn’t your job to keep Kara together, though,” Maggie said. She wrapped her arms around Alex and rested her cheek in her hair. “She isn’t a little girl anymore, she can take care of herself.” 

“But she isn’t!” Alex cried. “That’s the problem, she isn’t taking care of herself, so I have to! I have to do all of it!” 

Maggie shook her head. “You don’t. I know you love her, and I love Kara too, but it’s her responsibility to heal from this. We can help her and we can support her, but we can’t do the work for her.” 

“But… but what if she never does the work? It’s always gonna be on me, Maggie… always…”

After all, it always had been. Starting when they were just teenagers and it seemed like Kara could get away with anything because  _ she’s an alien, she needs time to adjust. You can’t blame her for these things, Alex, she just doesn’t understand.  _ They were older now, but still, not much had changed. Kara was almost always let off the hook when she did something wrong. And just like when they were kids, it still fell on Alex when she messed up. 

“You obviously know her better than I do, but I don’t think Kara’s the kind of person to just shovel all her crap onto someone else,” Maggie said. “I think she just needs someone to talk to. Lena has Kelly now, maybe Kara just needs that extra support too.” 

Alex sighed. “Maybe.” 

Maggie stood up, taking Alex’s hand to pull her up off the couch. 

“You do so much, Alex. And not just for her, for all of us. But I can tell, it’s starting to break you,” Maggie said. “And I don’t know how to really help with that. You know I’m pretty shitty when it comes to the touchy-feely stuff. So... let’s just have a few drinks, and you can drunkenly cry to me about whatever’s on your mind, and I won’t know how to fix it, but I’ll listen for as long as you need.” 

“You’re sure?” Alex asked, choking back another sob.

Maggie nodded. “I’m sure. Now come on, let’s get drunk.” 

* * *

Kara hovered outside Lena’s door. She flicked at her fingertips, counting in her head as she listened to the sound of Lena’s steady heartbeat through the wall. She snapped her head around at the sound of footsteps approaching, pursing her lips when she saw Dr. Montgomery, Lena’s surgeon, making her way over to her. 

“Kara, hey, are you waiting for updates?” The doctor asked. 

Kara nodded, smiling nervously. “Yeah… I haven’t heard anything since her surgery finished.” 

Dr. Montgomery nodded. “Well, I’m about to check up on her now, why don’t you come in for a minute?” 

“Oh-- yeah, of course!” 

Kara followed her into Lena’s room, frowning at what she saw. It had been bad before, seeing Lena the way she’d been when she was awake. But this… this was a million times worse. 

Lena laid flat on her back, her bed completely level. If it weren’t for all the machines, Kara could almost believe that perhaps she was sleeping normally. However, the amount of support Lena needed had only seemed to increase ever since this morning. And now, she was hooked up to a ventilator tube that went straight through her mouth, held inside with tape around her lips.

“Oh, Rao…” Kara whispered as she stepped inside, holding a hand over her pounding heart.

All she could think about was how loud the vent was. It was louder than any of her other monitors, emitting a noise so terrible Kara couldn’t help but worry it was hurting Lena instead of helping her. It whirred like some sort of backward vacuum; expelling oxygen into Lena’s lungs instead of sucking it all up. 

Before long, Dr. Montgomery, who was completely unphased by all this got to work checking Lena’s vitals while Kara took a seat by her side. 

“I know the ventilator is scary, but a lot of patients wind up on them before they wake up from anesthesia,” she explained as she examined the incision site on Lena’s abdomen. “When they’re in surgery, this is what breathes for them. Some are just on it longer than others.” 

Kara nodded. She looked at Lena’s hand, wrapped in gauze and a brace, wishing she could reach out and hold it. 

“If I talk to her… will she be able to hear me?”

The doctor nodded. “Yeah, she can hear everything.” 

Kara smiled, feeling her eyes fill to the brim with tears. 

“Alright, I’m all done here,” Dr. Montgomery said after a moment of relative silence. “I’ll have a nurse come in and check on her in a little bit. But you can sit with her for a minute if you’d like.” 

“Thank you, I really appreciate that,” Kara said, nodding as she smiled sadly. 

“It’s no problem.” 

Once the doctor was out of the room, Kara pushed down the safety rail by Lena’s bed so they could somewhat be eye level with one another. She tried to find the words to tell her what she was feeling or to reassure her that it would all be okay, but her mind was completely blank. Kara couldn’t seem to think over the whirring and beeping, it was all too overwhelming. 

So she sat at Lena’s bedside, humming a soft tune to distract them both from the unbearable noise until eventually, she regained the ability to speak. 

“Hey, Lena,” Kara whispered, a single tear falling as she began. “It’s me, uh… it’s Kara.”

Kara bowed her head. She drew in a deep breath, her vision blurring when she looked back at Lena. “I know since you got back, our interactions haven’t really been great. And if you don’t trust me anymore or… or you don’t want to see me again… I… I’ll honor those wishes.” 

She sighed and wiped her eyes, doing her best to keep it all inside so she could keep speaking. “I can’t say I’ll be able to understand. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever understand any of this. But if it’s me… if I’m what’s causing you this stress, you can tell me when you wake up and I-- I’ll go.”

Kara bit her lip. She folded her hands together and began to bounce her knee up and down to try and ease her nerves.

“I just… I wanted to talk to you now. The doctor said you can hear me but I really have no way of knowing if it’s true or not and I… for some reason, I think that makes it easier,” she admitted. “I- I just wanted to tell you, that I’m always going to care about you… I’m always going to be here for you. And like I said, if you don’t want me in your life anymore, I- I’ll get it. I know things are different now and you’ve changed… I think I have too. But you never stopped being my best friend, Lena. I don’t think you ever will.” 

Kara set her hand on Lena’s bed, a few inches away from Lena’s head. “I uh… I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I’m a little all over the place right now, we all are. I just wanted to say that I… I love you, Lena.”

Kara kissed the tip of her finger and lightly brushed it against the tip of Lena’s nose, the only spot on her face that wasn’t obstructed by tubes and wires. 

“And no matter what happens, I’ll always be your friend.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there was sm sanvers this chapter i'm sorry I loved them and they deserved better OKAY   
> anyway's if y'all have any thoughts, questions, concerns, all that jazz, feel free to leave it in the comments. or come bully me on tumblr, @godhatesoliviaa


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara sees Lena after her surgery. Maggie talks to Lena about what happened the night she disappeared. Someone wants to get a dog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning- eating disordered thoughts (again, lena doesn't have an ed and I don't plan on writing her as having one, but her thought patterns are similar to someone with one due to her trauma) and violence

Lena coughed, feeling a long rod-like object rubbing against the back of her throat. It dangled awkwardly inside her, almost as if it wanted to be pushed out. Lena let out a whimper, her head rolling to the side. She could hear the beeping and whirring, the sound of a chair creaking against the floor.

There was probably a nurse watching her, checking her vitals again. After everything, Lena now hated being alone. Perhaps the presence of someone else should’ve been reassuring. But something about the staff just made her even more on edge, causing a discomfort she couldn’t quite describe. 

“Hey, Lena, easy,” someone whispered. The voice was soft, it sounded like Kara.

Lena’s eyes slowly opened, lashes clouding her vision as the bright light above nearly blinded her. Aimlessly, Lena threw her hand out to the side, desperate to find something she could hold, something to remind her she was alive and she wasn’t alone with just medical personnel. 

“It’s okay, Lena, I’m right here,” Kara said. She held Lena’s hand, careful not to disturb any of the white bandages around her wrist. 

Lena coughed once more, sputtering out saliva in an attempt to force out whatever was sitting inside of her. She opened her eyes, her sight gradually clearing up as it landed on Kara. 

Kara took a tissue from off the table by Lena’s bed, still holding her hand while she wiped away the spit from around Lena’s mouth. 

“What happened?” Lena rasped, her voice below a whisper. Kara probably wouldn’t have picked up on it at all if it weren’t for her enhanced hearing. 

“You had surgery.”

“My hand?” Lena asked.

Kara shook her head. “No… they had to push that one back.” 

She smiled sadly, taking a small cup of water and offering it to her friend. Lena did her best to lift her other hand, but it trembled with the movement, soon dropping back over her stomach. Instantly, a stinging sensation shot through her, radiating all across her abdomen. Lena retracted and closed her eyes, gasping out in pain. 

“Here, let me help,” Kara said. She put the water down and picked up Lena’s hand, still wrapped in its bulky splint, and set it by her side. “That’s where the incision is, you just need to be careful with it.”

“What happened?” Lena asked. 

“You had a cut on your stomach and somehow yesterday, it opened back up. It was infected so the doctors had to operate, but you’re gonna be okay, they got to it in time.” 

Lena nodded, letting her eyes stay shut as she listened to the sound of Kara’s voice.

“Kara?” She asked after a moment.

“Yeah?”

“Can I… can I have the water?” 

“Oh— right, of course, I’m sorry,” Kara stammered. She grabbed the cup and held it out to Lena, Lena’s eyes reopening as Kara gently placed the straw between her lips. Her brow furrowed when she swallowed, concern crossing her face. 

“What’s wrong?” Kara asked and set the cup back on the table. 

“There’s something in my throat…” Lena hesitated, taking her wrapped up hand away from Kara and bringing her fingers up to her nose. The skin was burning even before she touched it. But when she finally did make contact, Lena felt the rubbery tube against her thumb. Her eyes tilted down, catching sight of the yellow silicone line extending towards the same pole that her IV was hooked up to. Now, next to her clear bag of fluids, there was something else, another bag filled with a thick, beige liquid. 

“Kara?” Lena’s voice broke, tears filling her eyes as she wrapped her fingers around the tube. 

“I know, I’m sorry, Lena,” Kara said softly. She gently took Lena’s hand away and set it back down on the bed, knowing what had happened last time Lena had tried to touch one of her injuries. 

“Why…” Lena couldn’t bring herself to ask, despite knowing exactly what it was. All she could do was let her silent tears fall and curse herself for being so stubborn. After all, this had to be entirely her fault. It always was. 

“It’s a feeding tube. The doctors… they said your heart wasn’t beating fast enough,” Kara began to explain. “It’s not forever, just until you gain some weight and you get your strength back.” 

Lena let out a wretched sob at those words, unable to take any of it. Every instinct she had told her to cope the way she knew how, the way she knew would work. But her forehead was wrapped in bandages and she couldn’t sit up anymore, she could only move one of her hands and most of her body was covered. She knew what she wanted to do, what she  _ had _ to do. But for once, she was physically unable to go forward with any of it. 

“I can’t, Kara, I can’t,” Lena cried. 

A crinkle appeared between Kara’s eyes. All she wanted to do was help, but she had no idea what to say. 

“Well you… you’ll still be able to eat normally, even with the tube,” she said, doing her best to keep looking on the bright side. “If you do that, you’ll probably even get it out sooner.” 

Lena shook her head. That wasn’t the problem, it was never about the food. It was never about eating. In fact, it was everything  _ but _ eating.

It was just that, eating was the last little bit of control she’d had, the last shred of  _ something _ that she got to be in charge of. Everything had been taken from her. Her body, her safety, her home. And now she’d lost this too, there was nothing left for her. 

“It was all I had,” Lena sobbed, for once not trying to keep it all inside. “It was the only thing I had!”

“What… what do you mean?” Kara asked. 

“I— I keep— everyone keeps taking things away. I know it’s their jobs but the nurses keep touching me and I…” Lena paused, visibly recoiling at the thought. “I thought if I didn’t eat…”

She choked back another sob and looked up, her eyes meeting Kara’s. 

“I don’t get a say in anything, I— I haven’t since…”

“Since last year?” 

Lena nodded. “So, I thought maybe food… that could be what I controlled. I was already so used to not eating… It used to make me so sick when I’d try to stomach anything. And when I got here, I- I told myself it would be fine— that they wouldn’t be able to force me to do it.”

Lena brought her hand back up to the tube, the raw skin around her nose screaming at the touch. 

“But this is worse, it’s so much worse, Kara.” 

“Did you tell Kelly any of this?” Kara asked, her voice low and warm. 

Lena shook her head. “I know you think I should. But if I do, I’m worried she’ll keep me here longer and I… I just want to go home.” 

Kara sighed and smiled sadly.

“Please… Kara, I have to go home. I have to get out, I- I have to be better.” 

“You’re gonna go home, I promise. And you will get better, I swear, Lena, you’re going to get better,” Kara whispered. She looked at Lena’s hand, trembling fingers gripping the tube as tightly as they could. “Can I… can I touch you?” 

It took a moment of hesitation, but eventually, Lena muttered a small  _ okay. _ Kara gently pulled her hand away from the tube and held it in hers, brushing the pad of her thumb against Lena’s knuckles. 

“Is this okay?” She asked. 

Lena nodded. 

“You know, Lena, restricting isn’t all you have,” Kara said. “I mean, I could go on and on about how much we all care about you. But if this is what you’re struggling with… I know it doesn’t mean much coming from me, but you do have so much more.”

Lena shook her head and wrapped her fingers around Kara’s palm, wishing she could squeeze her hand through the brace. 

“You deserve to eat and… and be healthy. You deserve to be happy.” 

“But what if I can’t?” Lena asked. “What if I ruined my chances?” 

“You didn’t. You’re Lena Luthor you… you are the strongest person I know,” Kara said firmly. “If anyone can get through this, it’ll be you. And maybe… maybe, if you’re okay with it, we could try eating something together. It could be like a starting point.” 

“What?” Lena breathed. 

“I know I’m never really gonna be able to get it, but I know all the doctors telling you to  _ just eat _ , probably aren’t helping. So I just thought, maybe you could eat with me. I could bring whatever you want and I’ll have something too, that way you won’t be alone.” 

Lena bit her lip, quiet tears continuing to fall as Kara spoke. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had offered to help her like that. Because they wanted to, not out of obligation. If she was being honest, everything was so cloudy now that she wasn’t sure if something similar had ever happened before. 

“And no doctors or nurses,” Kara continued. “Just us, having lunch, o- or a snack as friends.” 

“You won’t make me finish?” Lena asked after a moment. She still didn’t feel ready, but maybe if there were no strings attached, it wouldn’t be so terrible. 

Kara shook her head. “No. Not if you don’t want to.” 

Lena couldn’t believe it.

“You won’t force me?” She asked once more, starting to cry all over again. 

“I won’t force you,” Kara confirmed. 

“You’re just… you’ll just be my friend, right?”

Kara nodded. “I’m always going to be your friend, Lena.” 

Lena smiled through her tears, another sob escaping her lips. She watched Kara and did her best to tell herself it was all real, that Kara cared. That maybe it was possible she’d never stopped caring. 

“Can I hug you, Kara?” She asked, her heart pounding fiercely against her chest. 

“Of course,” Kara said. She stood up and bent over, carefully bringing Lena into her embrace. She closed her eyes as she breathed a sigh of relief, allowing her to inhale the scent of Lena’s hospital brand shampoo. She could feel Lena clumsily drape her arm over her back, her head lifting off the pillow ever so slightly to try and get closer.

Her embrace, though weak, was the most comforting thing Kara could have imagined. To know she got to hold her best friend for the first time after a year of yearning for her touch, for just her presence alone, it was everything she could’ve asked for. To Lena, the relief it gave was almost exactly the same. 

“I’ve got you,” Kara breathed. The words reassuring her just as much as they did Lena. “I’m right here, I’ve got you, Lena… I’ve got you.”

“Please don’t let go,” Lena whispered, burrowing her face into the crook of Kara’s neck. 

“I won’t. Not until you’re ready.” 

* * *

“Come in,” Lena said, hearing a knock on her door. 

Maggie stepped inside and offered a small smile. “Hey, you hanging in there, kiddo?”

Lena nodded, doing her best to smile back. She held up the book she’d been reading to show Maggie before setting it down by her side. 

“Yeah, I’ve been reading a lot.” 

“Oh… that’s good. I’m sorry I couldn’t be here this morning, I know you had all your post-op exams,” Maggie said. She came closer, still clad in her police uniform with a notepad and pen under her arm. “But if anything else comes up today, I can stay with you.” 

Lena didn’t respond. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to ask for help, even from Maggie, who she’d become so attached to. Instead, she looked down at her lap, chewing her lip as she built up the courage to speak. 

“I uh… they’re doing a dressing change on my wrist later,” she said and for a second, glanced back up at Maggie. 

“I’ll be there.” Maggie grinned. “But there is something else I need to talk to you about.” 

“What is it?” 

“I… well, I’ve been putting it off because I wasn’t sure if you were ready. But if I don’t do it today, my boss is going to have someone else come down to do it.” Maggie sighed, pulling up a chair and taking a seat at Lena’s bedside. “Basically, I just have to ask you some questions about what happened when you were taken and… and what went on while you were gone.” 

“Oh.” Lena’s face fell.

“Trust me I- I don’t want to do this either. But I just thought you’d rather talk to me than a stranger,” Maggie explained. She looked down at her hands, biting the inside of her mouth as she waited for Lena to react. She just hated that she had to do this. There was no use in asking Lena if she was ready, she knew she wasn’t and that she might’ve never been. But it was her or a strange detective Lena would inevitably refuse to speak to. So this, though terrible, was their best option. 

“I can do it, it’s okay,” Lena breathed, closing her eyes as she did her best to prepare herself. She pulled at a thread from her blanket between her middle and index finger, drawing in an uneven breath. 

“Okay. Just let me know if you want to stop at any point and we can pick it up tomorrow, alright?”

A nod.

Maggie looked down at her list, sighing when she saw the first question. 

“Do you remember what happened when you were taken? Who… who took you… what they did?”

Lena hesitated, but after a moment, nodded again. 

“Can you walk me through what happened?”

“I um… I’m sorry, it’s kind of fuzzy,” Lena apologized. She looked at Maggie with glassy eyes, almost as if to ask if they could stop already. 

“That’s okay, just tell me as much as you know,” Maggie said softly. 

“Well, I… I went to get the food, I- I went to the lobby,” Lena began, her voice hardly above a whisper. She stared down at her hands. It almost felt like she was unable to look anywhere else as her trembling fingers pulled at the thread. “The takeout guy was there, so was the man at the front desk.” 

Lena paused and swallowed thickly. She looked straight up ahead of her, taking in her surroundings as if for the first time. Maggie was sitting in a folding chair, but there was a green armchair by the wall. That’s where Kara had been sitting earlier, she’d dragged it up to Lena’s bed, much to the dismay of the nurses.

By the north wall, Lena had a dresser, it was empty, but still there. There were flowers brought by her friends, a fresh bouquet and card covered front to back with writing that Sam had sent her. Above it was a television set and next to that a wipe board with Lena’s goals for the day written out by Kelly. They were supposed to teach her to start advocating for herself again.

_ Eat with Kara. Ask someone for help if the pain gets too bad.  _

Then there was a door, which led to a small bathroom. Lena had never seen the inside, but she assumed it was bland like everything else. And finally, there was some old art hung on the wall so the room wouldn’t seem so gray. 

“I paid him but he… he got the order wrong…”

With a sigh, Lena stared out the window, reminding herself once more that she was out. That it was over and she was back with her friends. 

“I went outside to tell him…”

_ “Wait!” Lena had jogged out of the lobby, flagging down the delivery man before he could get back into his car. “I think you got the order wrong, we got potstickers, not egg rolls.”  _

_ “Oh, I’m so sorry. I must have the right one in the back,” he’d said. He gestured for Lena to follow and she did, watching closely to make sure he wouldn’t just run off now that she’d already paid. But he opened the trunk and pulled out another bag, Lena giving a smile of relief.  _

_ “Here you go.” He grinned as he handed it to her, reaching out to take back Lena’s original bag.  _

_ As she held it out for him though, he grabbed her wrist and yanked her over to him, pressing her back against the front of his body.  _

_ “What the hell?” Lena went to knee him where she knew it would hurt the most but he grabbed her ponytail and kicked her in the shins, slamming her head into the back of the car. She fell limply into his arms, folding into his grasp.  _

“Lena, you okay?” Maggie asked when she noticed Lena had started to zone out. 

“Yeah,” Lena said, snapping herself out of her haze. “I’m fine.” 

“Can you tell me what happened next? After he… he grabbed your ponytail?” 

Lena closed her eyes, pushing back her tears as she swallowed the lump rising to the top of her throat. “I don’t remember.” 

Before Maggie could say anything else though, the door to Lena’s room opened and Kara stepped inside holding two paper bags, a cardboard tray with two cups of iced coffee, and what appeared to be a stuffed tiger tucked under her arm.

“Oh… was this a bad time?” She asked. “I was just-- Lena and I-- we were gonna eat together. But I can come back later.” 

Maggie looked to Lena and smiled sadly. She shut her notebook, slipping her pen into her pocket as she stood up.

“I know this isn’t easy, so why don’t we stop here for today,” she said. “You guys clearly had plans and I don’t want to intrude. But do you think you’ll be able to talk some more tomorrow?” 

Lena nodded. “You’re gonna come back, right?” She whispered, her eyes widening. “For… for the dressing change?” 

“Of course. I’ll ask the nurse what time to come back.” 

“Okay. Thank you, Maggie.” 

With that, Maggie made her way out of the room, smiling over at Kara before she left. She shut the door behind her and Kara took a step towards Lena, smiling nervously as she waved.

“I wasn’t really sure what you’d want, so I might’ve gone a little overboard,” she said with a chuckle. She approached Lena’s bed and pulled out the tray used for mealtimes, then set both bags on top of it.

“And,” Kara continued, drawing out the word. “I got you this.” 

She held up the tiger, moving its paw to make it look like it was waving. Somehow, that was enough to get a quiet laugh out of Lena, her cheeks flushing to a dark red color. Kara grinned and handed the plushie to her, knowing Lena probably needed a smile. There were tears still lingering in her eyes and her voice had that nasal quality to it, the kind of sound it got when she’d been forcing herself not to cry and her nose got all stuffed up. 

Without mentioning it, Kara set a box of tissues on her bed so they were there if she needed them. Just in case. 

“There’s a hot water bottle inside the belly so you can use it for cramps and stuff like that,” Kara said as she began to unpack the other bags she’d brought. “And he just seemed like he’d be a good friend.” 

Lena smiled and wiped her eyes with her index finger. “Thank you, Kara. I love it.” 

“Okay, so I went to Paris and--” 

“Kara, you didn’t have to go to Paris for me,” Lena said quietly, a slight frown tugging at her lips. That was the kind of the Kara could hold over her. She’d gone all the way to another continent for her, Lena had no way of repaying that! 

“I know, but I wanted to,” Kara said softly. “If it’s too much I- I won’t do it again. I just remembered you mentioned that little cafe with the coffee eclairs and lattes and you said you’d give anything to have them again. So I don’t know… I guess I just thought it might be a nice surprise.” 

Lena bit her lip and looked from the eclairs back to Kara. “It is and I… I appreciate it so much but I don’t want to inconvenience you any more than I already have.” 

“You’re not inconveniencing me at all, Lena. I want to be here, I want to spend time with you,” Kara said. “And it takes me about two minutes to get from here to Paris, it’s no big deal.” 

“You’re sure?” 

“I’m sure.” 

Kara took a bite of her eclair, smiling at her friend. “So, I’ve been talking to Sam. She wanted to know if she could come see you.”

Lena hesitated. She went back to the thread she’d been pulling at earlier, continuing to unravel it as she slowly drew in a deep breath. “When… when does she want to come?” 

“Whenever you’re ready. She says there’s no rush at all,” Kara said. 

“Can I wait?” Lena asked. “I’m a mess right now. I can’t-- I--” 

She laughed sadly as she allowed herself to look back up at Kara. “I don’t want her to see me like this, it’s just… it’s humiliating.” 

Kara nodded. “That’s fine, I can tell her you need some time.” 

Lena smiled. “Thank you.” 

“Oh-- I can’t believe I didn’t tell you this earlier, but I’m thinking about getting a dog!” Kara said, grinning from ear to ear. Lena’s smile widened too, the tears that had once lingered in her eyes completely dissolved. 

“Really?” Lena asked. She held the tiger against her chest and softly stroked its fur. “You wanted one for so long… do you still have the list of names in your phone?” 

Kara nodded with a chuckle. “Yeah, I can’t believe you remember that,” she said as she took a sip of her latte. “I think I’m gonna go with Krypto, it really suits him. He’s really big, I’m not sure what breed he is, but he’s so fluffy. He’s a rescue too, from the shelter near my apartment.” 

Lena bit her lip as she listened to Kara. She reached out for her eclair and tore off a small piece, holding it between her fingers so she could examine it closely. While Kara continued to ramble, she slowly brought it up to her mouth. She cringed when she swallowed, the sensation strangely foreign. 

“Do you know when you get to take him home?” Lena asked, her voice soft and nervous. 

“Not yet. There’s still a lot of paperwork to fill out, but hopefully sometime next week,” Kara said. “I’ve already bought one of those big dog beds for him, I’ve been so excited!” 

Lena smiled but her face quickly fell, she averted her eyes, looking back down at her hands. 

“Hey, are you alright?” Kara asked. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Of course, anything.” 

“Well…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter hits very close to me since I spent years struggling with an ed, so I really hope I did an okay job of portraying what's going on in lena's head. also I know the dog thing came out of nowhere, kara just needs some happiness, so I figured why not.   
> as always, if you have any thoughts, questions, or concerns, feel free to leave them in the comments, I love hearing from you guys <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena starts relearning how to do basic things like walking/sitting on her own. She and Kara finally talk things through. 
> 
> Trigger Warning- Lena shows clear PTSD symptoms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, merry christmas!! i'm so sorry i haven't updated in a while, I've been so overwhelmed with school recently and everything's just been really hard. I'm not sure how frequent updates are going to be going forward- but I promise, I won't be abandoning this fic anytime soon. but I hope you guys like this chapter, and happy holidays!!

“Are you gonna go in? Try to talk to her?” 

Kara shrugged, her arms folded over her chest. She and Alex stood outside Lena’s room, watching in through the window as one of the nurses checked up on her. She’d come out of surgery over an hour ago and had only just woken up. From outside the room, she seemed alright. But then again, it was never easy to tell. 

“Maybe in a bit,” Kara said. She shuffled her weight between her heels, awkwardly clearing her throat. She looked directly at Lena, unwilling to meet her sister's eyes.

“Look… Kara, I know you’re mad at me, but please don’t shut me out like this,” Alex said. She was practically begging, she had been all day. “I’m sorry about what happened and I’m sorry I wanted to stop looking. I know what I did was wrong but you’re not the only one hurting here, you can’t push the rest of us away.” 

Kara looked over at Alex. Dark circles were hanging under her eyes, her skin pale and flushed. She looked like she hadn’t slept in weeks. She’d been wearing the same cardigan for days now, rotating through a few pairs of leggings and t-shirts.

“She thinks I stopped looking, Alex,” Kara deadpanned. “They played her a recording of us… it was edited to make it sound like I wanted to give up. She-- she thinks I gave up and you didn’t.” 

Alex tightened her jaw and nodded, her entire body stiffening. 

“She looked me in the eye and asked why I stopped, why her best friend stopped.”

“Did you tell her the truth?” Alex asked. 

Kara shook her head. “I didn’t say anything. She doesn’t know what’s real and what isn’t anymore… it only would’ve confused her.” 

Alex nodded, knowing she wasn’t in any position to argue. 

Through the window, Lena looked over at them with wide teary eyes. The nurse was replacing her IV, it looked like Lena was doing everything she could not fight back. 

“You should go in there,” Alex said softly. “She needs you.”

Kara nodded. She pushed open the door, smiling over at her friend. Lena managed to smile back at her, wincing as the nurse stuck a new needle into her hand. 

“Hey, she’s still recovering from the anesthesia, so she might be a little loopy,” the nurse said. 

“I’m  _ not _ loopy,” Lena said, her voice slurring as she spoke.

“I know you’re not,” Kara agreed with a chuckle. She took a seat at Lena’s bedside, watching as Lena’s eyes drifted back to her nurse. 

Lena nodded and looked up at her nurse. “Hey-- what’s your name?” 

“My name’s Jess,” the nurse said. 

Lena looked back to Kara, her eyes widening. “Kara,” she whispered, her voice full of urgency. 

“Yeah?” 

“My assistant is Jess. I’ve seen her credentials, she didn’t go to nursing school,” Lena said. She made sure not to speak too loudly so the nurse wouldn’t overhear. It was  _ very _ subtle. 

“It’s okay, this is a different Jess,” Kara assured her. “She knows what she’s doing.”

Lena looked back up at the nurse, her brow furrowing as she tried to work it all out in her head. 

“You know what you’re doing?” She asked. “‘Cause I have a doctorate, I can do this  _ all _ myself.” 

Jess nodded. “Yup, but all the nurses are switching shifts in a few minutes, so you’ll have someone new either way.” 

“What?” Lena asked. “What if the new nurse doesn’t appreciate my jokes?” 

Jess chuckled as she stepped away from Lena’s bed. “He will, you don’t have to worry.” 

“Jess appreciated my jokes,” Lena said, this time looking at Kara with a very serious expression. 

“You can tell them to me,” Kara offered. “I think you’re very funny.” 

“Okay, you’re all done, Lena. You’ll have another check-up in about half an hour, alright?” Jess said. “Kara, just make sure she doesn’t keep playing with her hand.” 

“I don’t know what she’s talking about. I’ve never once messed with anything. Ever.” Lena said firmly. “I’m a great patient.” 

“I believe you,” Kara said softly. She waited for Jess to leave before saying anything else, watching the way Lena relaxed, her shoulders drooping and head falling back against her pillow. 

“I’m not loopy, you know,” Lena said, her eyes narrowing.

“I know you’re not.”

“I’m good at fighting off the drugs,” Lena added. “They’ve got nothing on my Luthor DNA.” 

Kara smiled, nodding once more. She knew Lena was only this carefree because of all the meds she was on. Once it wore off, it was inevitable that she’d go back to who she’d been the past couple of days. But even though Kara knew it was selfish to say, she couldn’t help but enjoy seeing Lena like this. The smile she wore- even if just a product of morphine and anesthetic, was comforting. It reminded her that Lena could still smile, that she could still make jokes after all that had happened. 

“If you’ve fought off the drugs, does that mean you can’t feel any pain from the surgery?” Kara asked, offering an endearing smile. 

“I can feel a little,” Lena said. She let out a yawn, her head falling to one side so she could look at Kara. “I feel floaty.” 

“Floaty?” 

Lena giggled. “Yeah, and fuzzy. Like I’m a cotton ball.” 

Kara opened her mouth to say something else, but before she could even get a word out, Lena cut her off. 

“Did you know they cut me open?” She asked, her head rolling to face Kara as she closed her eyes and let out another laugh. “And now I’m floaty ‘cause they cut me open.” 

She then reached for the stuffed tiger on her lap, holding him up with her less injured hand to show Kara. “And Hugo made me warm but now he’s cold again. So I’m floaty like a cloud. Those are cold, right? I haven’t been outside in a while.” 

“It’s okay, I can warm him up,” Kara said and took the tiger from Lena. She’d ask about the name later, for now, she just wanted to make sure Lena was as comfortable as possible in her disoriented state. So she leveled the tiger with her eye line, shooting out blue rays to heat the water bottle again.

“Wow,” Lena breathed, her mouth hanging open in awe. She took the stuffed animal back from Kara and hugged it against her chest, smiling up at her friend. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Supergirl you have powers too.” 

“I am--” 

“Shhhh,” Lena held a finger up to her lips. “You need to learn how to keep a secret, Kara. You’re not allowed to say them out loud or you’ll get in trouble.” 

“Okay, I won’t say anything,” Kara said softly. She tilted her head, watching as Lena stifled another yawn. “But you… you seem pretty tired, should I come back later?” 

Lena shook her head, the smile she’d been wearing slowly slipping away. She still had that dullness in her eyes, it had been there ever since she came back. Like a sort of darkness, slowly eating away at her. 

“Can you stay?” She whispered. And of course, Kara nodded without any hesitation. 

“Yeah. Do you wanna try and get some rest?”

Lena didn’t respond. Her gaze began to slip away from Kara, her eyelids hanging heavy. It was taking an unusual amount of effort for her to stay awake, Kara assumed because of the anesthesia. 

“I’ll be right here,” Kara said. “You won’t be alone.” 

“You’ll keep the lights on, right?” Lena asked. “I don’t like the dark, it’s too cold.” 

Kara nodded. “Yeah, whatever you want.” 

“Okay.” Lena yawned. “I can try.”

She allowed her eyes to flutter shut, a soft breath escaping her lips. Her arm tightened around her tiger as she began to drift away but her grip on the fur was released. Kara smiled sadly as she watched, wishing she could take all Lena’s fear away. 

* * *

“I can’t do it,” Lena whispered, brushing her fingers against Maggies. They sat side by side on the edge of Lena’s bed, their legs dangling over the tile floor. A nurse stood in front of them, she held Lena up by her armpits to keep her sitting upright so she wouldn’t fall over. They’d been working on it for a while now, helping Lena relearn basic movements like holding herself up and sitting on her own. 

“You’re gonna be okay,” Maggie said softly, offering a reassuring smile. “They’ve got you, they won’t let you fall.” 

Lena released a breath, bowing her head as a silent tear fell. Today they were supposed to try and walk, something Lena had been dreading for days now. The doctors kept saying she was ready but she knew she wasn’t, she knew she wouldn’t be for a while. 

“It hurts, Maggie,” she whimpered.

“Lena, can you rate your pain on a scale of one to ten for me?” The nurse asked. 

Lena winced and shook her head. She swallowed the rock sitting at the back of her mouth, doing everything she could to keep her tears at bay.

“Lena?” Maggie prompted. She kept her voice low and quiet so she wouldn’t startle Lena, who seemed to be especially sensitive to noise today. 

“Uhm… maybe a six?” Lena then answered. 

“Okay.” The nurse nodded. “We’ll still try to walk now, but we’re only going a few steps, alright?”

Lena looked to Maggie for help, but Maggie was at a loss. The nurses had explained why it was so important Lena start walking sooner rather than later. Her muscle mass was deteriorating and the longer they waited to get her back on her feet, the longer she’d be stuck in the hospital, dependent on doctors and endless medications. Maggie understood that, they all did. 

But the way Lena looked at her, an expression so pained and helpless, she wished there was something she could do.

“On the count of three, I’m gonna help lift you up and you’re gonna put both feet on the ground,” the nurse instructed. 

Lena nodded, tightening her jaw to suppress her sobs once more. Tears were burning in her eyes but she refused to let them spillover. She’d been weak for so long, she needed to put herself back together. Even if the pain was insufferable.

“One… two… three.” 

Lena’s feet hit the ground and an endless pain shot through her legs. It rushed to her head, static spreading through her, causing little dots to cover her vision. 

A sharp inhale escaped her and she looked to Maggie once more.

“I know this is supposed to help but she’s in so much pain,” Maggie said, immediately rushing to her aid. “Can’t we wait?” 

The nurse shook her head. “I know it hurts but the longer we wait the more likely she is to never regain her full range of motion, we need to do this now.” 

“Can I-- can I at least help?” Maggie asked, at a complete loss. 

But luckily, the nurse nodded. She told Maggie to move one of Lena’s arms so it was draped over her shoulder, then did the same with herself. Lena swallowed another sob, doing her best to balance her weight between Maggie and the nurse. She wobbled between the nurse and her friend, clinging on for dear life. 

“Okay, we’re gonna take a step now,” the nurse said. She and Maggie both stepped forward, but Lena didn’t move. She gasped as they pulled her forward and instinctively, her leg pulled itself off the ground. She threw it stiffly in front of her, holding her breath as she took her first step.

“You’re doing it, Lena!” Maggie exclaimed. 

Lena was silent, she just stared in front of her, her entire body trembling as she mentally prepared herself for the next step. 

“We’re just going to that chair, it’s four steps away at most,” the nurse instructed. 

“Four?” Lena repeated, her voice frail and weak. “I- I can’t-- I can’t do four.” 

“Yes you can, you’re Lena Luthor, remember?” Maggie said. “You’re gonna be okay.”

Lena managed another nod. She clamped her jaw shut, squeezing her eyes shut as she stepped forward again. And again and again until finally, she reached the chair. The nurse helped lower her down as Lena all but collapsed into the seat.

“You did it!” The nurse said proudly. “How do you feel? Can you rate your pain again?” 

Lena didn’t say a word. She looked down at her quivering hands, black spots shielding her vision, and allowed her tears to fall. Unable to fight any longer, a strangled cry escaped her lips.

She couldn’t keep doing it. She couldn’t do any of it. It was all so much, too much to bear and Lena knew if she kept pushing she’d shatter into pieces, leaving a mess no one would ever be able to clean up.

“Hey, Lena,” Maggie whispered, her voice laced with concern as she crouched down beside Lena so they’d be at eye level. “Do you uh… is there anything I can do to help?”

Lena shook her head. Lifting her right hand to shield her face, she backed into the chair, almost as if to hide within herself. She was shaking all over, her cheeks a deep shade of red, hair falling over her shoulders and covering her face.

“Kara,” Lena cried quietly. “J- just… just Kara.”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll go get her,” Maggie said. She got up and quickly left. She practically ran to the waiting room, where Kara was sitting with her computer in her lap, trying to catch up on her work. She was oblivious, just staring at the screen with no thoughts at all.

“Maggie, what is it?” She asked, looking up at the sound of her friend stumbling over to her. 

“Lena’s asking for you,” Maggie said urgently. “The nurse made her walk-- honestly, I don’t think she was ready. But she’s just-- she’s in a lot of pain right now and she really needs a friend.” 

Kara stood up, eyes widening as she clung to Maggie’s every last word. “I thought… but she was upset, I- I thought she was mad at me?”

Maggie shrugged. “She hasn’t said anything, but she’s asking for you. So whatever it is, I don’t think she’s too attached to it.”

It didn’t take any convincing after that for Kara to rush straight to Lena’s room. She didn’t even think it through before throwing the door open, her heartbreaking at what she saw. 

Lena sat in the white chair, her flushed out cheeks stained with tears. She was trying to recompose herself, it was almost painful to see the fight she was putting up. But the tears continued to fall and Lena couldn’t keep it all in. So it fell right out, breaking her apart completely. 

“Hey Lena,” Kara said softly, approaching her as tentatively as possible. “I… are you okay? I- I heard about what happened.” 

Lena hesitated. She wrapped her arms around her stomach, shielding herself from the rest of the world, and tilted her head to one side. She nodded but her eyes drifted up to Kara, filled with that same fearful hollowness Kara kept seeing. 

“I’m okay,” Lena said softly. Her voice broke as she bowed her head, waves of shame crashing down over her. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you to come,” she said, her voice wavering as she did her best to keep it from breaking. “You can go… I- I’m sorry.” 

“Do you want me to go?” Kara asked. 

Lena gave a pathetic shrug. After a moment, she shook her head, her face crumbling once more. 

“I don’t want you to be mad,” she cried. “I… I don’t want to drive you away again.” 

“You won’t drive me away, you never did,” Kara assured her. She could hear Lena’s heart rate spike on the monitor, her breathing starting to become labored as the cries she’d tried so desperately to hold back escaped her. 

“Here.” Kara took the water bottle from off the tray on Lena’s bed, flipped up the cap, then handed it to her. She then grabbed the folding chair against the wall and dragged it over to Lena so she could sit beside her. 

Lena graciously accepted, her sobs subsiding for just a moment as she drank. 

“It’s terrible here,” she said once she was done, still holding the bottle to her lips. “I- I know it’s better but I… it hurts, Kara.” 

“W- what hurts?” 

“Everything,” Lena cried. She closed her eyes, allowing the sobs to wreak her body. “When they move me, o- or when… it always hurts and I- I just want a break, I- I want it to be over.” 

“I… I had no idea, Lena, I’m so sorry,” Kara breathed. 

“And they always…” Lena’s voice trailed off. Her head fell to one side, the ache in her chest growing to an unbearable size as she swallowed the words. 

_ They always touch me. _

She knew it was their job, that it wasn’t the doctor's fault. And maybe it shouldn’t have upset her-- no, it probably shouldn’t have made any difference at all. But it did, the feeling of those hands against her body, even if it wasn’t hurtful, Lena couldn’t stand it. It was so dirty,  _ she _ was so dirty, and all she wanted was for it to stop.

“It’s just not great here,” Lena said, forcing herself to laugh through her tears. 

Kara nodded, unsure of what to say. 

“Do you uh… it can’t be comfortable sitting there, I- I know you’re in a lot of pain,” she began, fiddling with her fingers as she spoke. “Would it help if I- if you were able to get back in bed?”

Lena inhaled sharply and nodded. She pursed her lips, trying her hardest to remind herself that Kara was safe, that maybe she’d just made a mistake. 

“Please…” she whispered. “Please help.” 

Kara stood up, bending over and reaching an arm out. “Is this okay?” 

“Yeah,” Lena said. She picked up her own arm, using all the effort she had to drape it over Kara’s shoulder. Kara then snuck her other arm under Lena’s knees, waiting for her to give the okay before lifting her off the chair securely in a bridal carry. 

Once she knew Kara had her, Lena breathed a sigh of relief and allowed her head to fall to Kara’s shoulder. 

“I’ve got you,” Kara said softly. She offered a sad smile, seeing how Lena curled into her body and lifted her trembling, broken hand, up to Kara’s chest. 

“I miss you, Kara,” Lena whimpered. The words just slipped out, not giving Lena a chance to think it through ahead of time. She closed her eyes and shielded her face in the fabric of Kara’s shirt, mumbling a shameful  _ I’m sorry _ when she realized what she’d said. 

“It’s okay, I’ve missed you too, Lena,” Kara said. “I still do.” 

She approached Lena’s bed and carefully set her down, starting with her hips, then legs and upper body, lastly laying her head back against her pillow. 

“Everything’s so different now but I… I miss being your friend,” Lena continued. 

“I miss being yours, too,” Kara agreed. She tried to pull back away from Lena once she was settled, but Lena kept her hand on Kara’s shoulder, staring up at her with a longingness in her eyes Kara hadn’t seen in what felt like an eternity.

“Stay?” Lena asked, her voice hardly audible above the whir of medical devices and beeping of monitors. 

“Of course,” Kara obliged. She climbed up in bed beside Lena, who trembled as took hold of Kara’s hand to make sure she wouldn’t disappear. She ran her fingers against Kara’s, feeling the warmth to remind herself that she really was there. 

“Please don’t leave again,” Lena whispered as she looked down at their hands, watching the way Kara carefully held hers so as to not disturb the bandages around her wrist. 

“Lena, I- I’d never leave you.” 

Lena nodded. Her chin quivered, eyes refilling with tears. She wanted to believe Kara, she really did. But that recording was so loud, so fresh in her mind. It was impossible to know what was real and what wasn’t. The things she wanted were so hard to leave behind, it made everything in front of her just blurry enough that reality seemed to dissolve in her clouds of fantasy. 

She did want answers. She didn’t want them, she  _ needed  _ them. The need was so desperate she was sure she would’ve done anything to get them. But everything was so hazy. Lena was positive even if she got an explanation, there still would be no way to know whether or not it was true. 

“But the recordings… I- I know what I heard, there were so many, Kara.” 

Kara swallowed, a sharp sensation in the back of her throat. 

“I’d have to listen to you… listen to you crying b- because of me,” Lena’s voice trailed off as another tear fell, the grasp she had on Kara’s hand falling limp. “Before I escaped, a week before I-- they played one of you and Alex. And you guys… you were talking about me.” 

Kara’s breath caught in her throat, heart-stopping for a split second. Lena had already walked her through it once before. She knew by now word for what they’d played for her. But still, Kara didn’t say anything. Maybe it helped for Lena to work it out verbally, she couldn’t be sure. All she knew was hearing it again was even more painful than the first time around. 

“And you said…” Lena sighed, glancing up at Kara with glassy eyes. “You wanted to stop looking and y- you… you wanted to be done.” 

By then, Kara began crying too, the weight of Lena’s burden crashing down to her shoulders. 

“Lena,” she breathed. “That’s… that…”

“And I just remember hearing it and screaming God I’m right here, why can’t you hear me? I’m right here… I- I’m right here…” Lena’s voice broke and she suppressed another sob, refusing to let herself look away again.

“I’m sorry Lena, I’m so sorry,” Kara whispered. She wanted to wipe away her tears and hold her until all the pain went away. She wanted to do something, anything to fix it. She wanted to go back and search harder and demand another search party, do anything possible to find her friend before it got this bad. 

“I’m not mad,” Lena continued, her tears spilling over freely. “I know it wasn’t easy I just… I don’t understand. You were my best friend, Kara.” 

Kara nodded. “I know.” 

“And I- I know you were hurting and I’m sorry I put you through that but I… I just don’t get it. You were always saying you wanted me to come home so-- so why did you give up? Was it… were things… were they better without me?” 

“No, Lena I- I swear, I never stopped looking,” Kara said. “I- I don’t know how they got those recordings or how they edited it to sound like I would, but I swear, there wasn’t a day that went by where I wasn’t thinking about what I could do to find you.” 

Lena’s brow knit together, her lips pulling into a frown. She looked like she was trying to believe it, like she was trying to erase everything that had been forced onto her for the last year. 

“When you went missing it was like… my world just stopped,” Kara confessed, smiling sadly through her tears. “I just felt frozen, like I couldn’t move o- or do anything. All I did for months was look because I… I was so stuck, it was all I could do, just keep looking.” 

Lena’s face fell, all the color draining from her cheeks.

“You didn’t stop?” She breathed. 

Kara shook her head. “I’d search until the end of time for you, Lena. I promise I would’ve done anything to get you back.” 

Lena didn’t say another word after that. She just leaned over, draped her arm around Kara, and laid her head against her chest. Biting down on her bottom lip, Lena ran her fingers through Kara’s hair, moving her head down to Kara’s heart so she could listen to the sound of it beating. And as she finally regained the ability to breathe, Kara engulfed her arms around Lena and held her firmly in her embrace. 

“You have no idea how relieved I am that you’re alive,” Kara said. She stroked her hair softly, feeling her shirt become damp with Lena’s tears. “Or how happy I am that you’re here.” 

“I’m sorry, Kara,” Lena said quietly. “I’m sorry for doubting you.” 

Kara shook her head. “Oh, Lena, it’s not your fault. None of this is.”

Lena nodded, doing her best to tell herself Kara was right. Still, she knew there was a chance it was all fake. That perhaps Kara had given up and she was just lying to spare Lena’s feelings. But Lena needed this. She needed the comfort, the reassurance. More than anything, she needed to know she had someone by her side, a real friend. Someone like Kara. 

“Those people who took you, they’re never going to hurt you again, I promise.” 

“How can you be sure?” Lena asked. 

“Because I’m here now,” Kara said. “And from now on, I’m going to do everything I can to protect you.” 

“Thank you, Kara.” 

“You don’t need to thank me,” Kara said, gently tucking Lena’s hair behind her ear. “This is what friends are for, remember?” 

Lena nodded once more, managing a small smile. 

“Yeah,” she said. “I remember.” 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is so short and it really isn't any good. it's honestly just filler that I've been sitting on for a while and I realized if I didn't post it now, I was going to keep it hidden away forever.

“I’m gonna tell her tonight,” Kara had said. She’d been in the middle of ordering dinner online, looking across the table at Alex who was absentmindedly texting Maggie. 

“Tell Lena?” Alex asked. She’d set her phone down on the table, words she’d never thought she’d hear pulling her back into reality. 

With a nod, Kara smiled and her cheeks turned bright red at the thought, excitement rushed through her veins. Tonight was gonna be the night, she was sure of it. 

“Seriously? Why tonight-- what caused this sudden burst of inspiration?” 

Alex almost couldn’t believe it. She’d spent months now trying to convince Kara to say something. It had gotten to the point where she’d honestly started to believe neither of them were going to say anything and they’d just painfully pine for the rest of eternity.

“Yeah!” Kara said, shrugged casually, and pulled her hair back into a low ponytail. “Well, normally Lena sleeps over after everyone leaves and we watch a movie or something. So I think when we’re alone… if things are still going good, I’m gonna tell her. Just-- just get right out with it so I don’t have to keep wondering.” 

“You’re not nervous?” Alex had inquired with a quirked eyebrow. Kara was so calm and collected, it was bone-chillingly unlike her. “I mean- I’m all for this, trust me. I just-- normally you want to tell her but you always panic at the last minute and put it off for another time.” 

“I am nervous,” Kara confessed. “But I figured we’ve known each other for so long and we sleep in the same bed and we cuddle and she calls me darling and braids my hair…”

She’d paused for a moment and smiled to herself, losing her train of thought as she imagined Lena’s long, dainty fingers brushing themselves through her curls. It was such a small gesture, but still so intimate. They’d sit on the bed together and Lena would straddle her legs so Kara could sit between them, she’d trail her nails against Kara’s neck, lean against her gently when she tied off the bottom with a small brown band. Something about it just made Kara’s heart pound with anticipation. 

“And I’ve been comparing us to couples in movies and stuff and I realized we already kind of act like one. So I’m telling myself and I’m hoping that even if she rejects me, we’re close enough that she’ll still want to be friends,” Kara had explained. 

Back then, that had been the biggest thing on her mind. How was she going to break the news to Lena? Would Lena say yes? Would she still want to be her friend? She never would've guessed that just a short three hours later, she would’ve been searching the city in its entirety for any sort of sign from her friend-- her darling friend who’d disappeared without a trace. 

Now, Kara stood outside the door to Lena’s hospital room, holding her breath as she gently knocked on the wood, cursing herself for being so stupid and naive. She’d had it so good last year. Lena took her on lunch dates and Kara introduced her to the magical world of fried treats. And the worst part was, Kara knew if she’d just gone to pick up the food that one time instead of Lena, none of this ever would’ve happened. 

“Come in!”

Kara pushed the door open, smiling softly as she entered Lena’s recovery room. Maggie sat by her bedside, holding Lena’s thin, quivering hand.

“Hey, we were just going over some stuff for the investigation,” Maggie said. “This is a DEO case too so you can jump in if you think it’ll help.” 

Kara looked to Lena, who was staring up at her with wide eyes. She still looked so tired, Kara couldn’t help but wonder if she’d slept at all last night.

“Is that okay?” 

After a second, Lena nodded. She gripped Maggie’s hand a little tighter, but her expression softened-- a sign that she was learning to grow more comfortable with Kara’s presence.

“Do you want to pick up from where we left off?” Maggie asked. 

Lena nodded once more. She looked down at her lap, clenched her jaw as she pictured the darkness and cold puddles beneath her feet, the chains around her wrists, and blood trailing down her thighs.

“It uh… we were talking about the person who had me… who kept me down there,” she said. “We called it a he but I... I don’t think it was just one. I think it was a group.”

“Oh. Did you ever see them together?” Maggie asked, keeping her voice low and calm. 

“No… only one at a time.” Lena’s eyes slowly drifted over to Kara. She had that crinkle between her brow, the one that always appeared when she was worried. “There was one person though… I- I think he was a man. He’d come down a lot. He was really big… really muscular. Like he was on steroids or something.”

“Was he human?” Kara asked. 

“I don’t know. He had the body of one, just… larger, I guess. But I never saw his face,” Lena explained. “The only one I saw was the delivery man.” 

Maggie nodded. Her breath caught in her throat, tears springing to her eyes as she realized what she’d have to ask next. “Do you remember what he used to do?” 

Lena shook her head. “Just that it hurt,” she whispered, voice so low she herself could barely hear it. 

“Did he… did he give you that?” Kara asked as she touched her forehead. 

Suddenly, bile shot up through Lena’s throat, causing her to freeze as she shoved it back down. The bandages around her head had been removed, revealing the round gash to the world once more. It was healing over, it no longer caused her any pain. But still, thinking about it was enough to make her sick to the stomach.

“No,” Lena said after a moment. “I um… I did that.” 

She couldn’t bear to look up after those words left her mouth. Imagining the horror on Kara’s face was bad enough, Lena wasn’t sure if she’d be able to bear seeing it for real. 

“When the recordings played I… I couldn’t take it. So I’d uh, I’d bang my head against the wall and that… it made it less loud and it… it made it easier,” she explained. 

“Recordings?” Maggie asked, looking to Kara for clarification. 

“Yeah, she said they used to play recordings of us… of me mostly,” Kara said. “I think most of them were real but there was one she mentioned that I know was edited.” 

Lena nodded. “Sometimes they’d play for no reason. But normally it was because I’d been bad.”

She hated that phrase.  _ Been bad. _ It sounded like something mothers would tell their toddlers when they didn’t have the energy to explain where their behavior was wrong.  _ You’ve been bad.  _ But for once, there was just no other way to put it. She’d been bad and now she had to listen to her best friend crying in agony for three hours. It was that simple. 

“Bad?” Maggie repeated.

“If I didn’t eat or if… if I...” Lena’s voice trailed off. “Just… if I did something wrong.” 

Maggie nodded without another word, not wanting to press any further. They could go over it some more tomorrow. But for now, she could tell Lena’s energy was quickly wearing thin. 

“Okay. I think that’s enough for today, we can pick it back up tomorrow,” she said, gently squeezing Lena’s hand. 

Lena managed to smile ever so slightly and glanced back up at Kara. “Did you um… were you just gonna question me o- or…” 

“Oh, no. I wanted to check in and see you again. But also, I do have some news,” Kara said, nervously folding her hands together. “We all kind of do… Alex and Maggie and me.” 

Lena’s eyes widened, that same look of terror returning. 

“It’s not bad, you don’t need to worry,” Kara quickly assured her. “It’s just-- apparently some press and reporters have been sneaking around outside the hospital. It hasn’t been officially released to the public that you’re alive and here. But somehow there’s already been some speculation that you’ve been found.”

“You knew too?” Lena asked, drifting her gaze to Maggie, who simply nodded and offered a sad smile. 

“Yeah. Alex was the one to figure it out and she told me. So we’ve been thinking about next steps, just what to do to ensure that nothing happens.” 

Tears filled Lena’s eyes as she looked to Kara for help. How could this be happening? How could she be in danger all over again? Finally, she’d thought she was out of the woods and now people were already hunting her down. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Kara breathed. She extended her hand for Lena to take, smiling softly as she waited. And after a moment, Lena accepted. Because of the brace keeping her wrist in place and all the bandages around her wounds, she couldn’t feel Kara’s skin against hers the way she wanted. But somehow, through all the layers, the warmth still radiated through her, filling her with reassurance.

“Nothing’s happened, we just want to take precaution in case something does.”

“So what… what are you doing?” Lena asked, her voice wavering. 

“Alex and I have talked to your doctors and we’ve agreed that since you’re stable and all your surgeries are done, it would be our best option to move you to the DEO medbay and have you continue your admission there,” Maggie explained. “Alex and the rest of the medical staff will take care of you until you’re ready to be discharged. And since Kara is still working there, she’ll pretty much always be nearby if you need her.”

Lena didn’t say anything. She just stared at her hand in Kara’s, willing herself not to cry as she thought about what this meant. 

“Do you want me to give you a minute alone to think it over?” Maggie asked. 

Again, Lena didn’t respond. But she managed to squeeze Kara’s hand, a sign that she was still listening.

“Yeah, thanks, Maggie,” Kara said. “That would be great.”

With a nod, Maggie stood up and smiled down at Lena. “I’ll be back later, okay? Don’t go anywhere.”

Lena managed a slight smile. She looked back towards Kara, meeting her eyes once the door shut and they were finally alone. 

“You okay?”

Lena shrugged. “Whoever’s looking for me… they really want to hurt me.” 

“We’re not gonna let them get to you,” Kara assured her. “We’re already one step ahead, we won’t let anything happen.”

Lena took the stuffed tiger that sat next to her lap and placed him on her belly. She stroked the fur, using the repetitive motion to try and calm herself down. 

“You know the other day when you were coming up from anesthesia, you told me the tiger's name was named Hugo?” Kara asked, changing the subject in hopes she’d get Lena to laugh. 

“No, I didn’t,” Lena said through a sniffle, biting down on the edges of her mouth. It was subtle, something she’d started doing when she and Kara both became friends. Kara would say something inappropriately funny and Lena knew she wasn’t supposed to react so she’d chew on her cheeks to suppress the smile. It worked for a bit-- that was until Kara figured out what she was doing. 

“Yes you did, you were very attached to him,” Kara contradicted. “And your nurse, you got  _ very _ clingy with Jess.” 

“I don’t remember that either.” 

“Yeah, she said you wouldn’t.” 

Kara paused and folded one leg over the other, a comfortable silence falling over the two. 

“You know um, all those movies we’d been planning on watching-- I bought them on DVD just in case,” she said after a moment. “If you’re up to it… we can’t do it here because visiting hours end at five, but if you wanted to have a movie night and sleepover at the DEO… maybe it would make the whole thing less scary.”

Inhaling sharply, Lena swallowed the lump in her throat and closed her eyes. When she eventually opened them once more, she looked back up at Kara, tears threatening to spill over. 

“You’d want to have a sleepover?” She asked, unable to believe it. 

“Yeah, of course, if you’re comfortable with it,” Kara said. “I just thought it might be nice to do something familiar, you know, to ease back into things.”

This time, Lena smiled for real. She was still drained and exhausted, but Kara could see ghosts of dimples at the corners of her lips, a shadow of her nose scrunching up ever so slightly, the smile Kara had missed so much finally starting to return.

“Can we watch  _ Derry Girls _ again?” Lena asked. “I missed watching it with you.”

Kara chuckled and nodded. “Whatever you want.” 

* * *

Before being transferred to the DEO, Kara came by Lena’s room again with fresh clothes and pajamas she could change into. All the discharge papers had been signed and a DEO ambulance was scheduled to arrive in a few hours. Everything was ready except Lena herself. She was the final piece of the puzzle. 

“So I went to the gift shop again,” Kara said as she plopped a bag down on the foot of Lena’s bed. “And since you’re notorious for having no comfy clothes at all, I got you a few hoodies and pajama pants to hold you over for the next few days.” 

“You bought me stuff?” Lena asked. She wrapped her arms around herself protectively, smiling, and tracking Kara with her eyes. “You didn’t have to.”

“I know, but I wanted to.”

“Can I at least pay you back?” Lena asked. 

Kara shook her head. “It’s a gift, you don’t need to do anything.” 

“Well… thank you,” Lena said and managed a smile. “I really appreciate the gesture.” 

Kara shrugged, smiling back at her as if it were nothing. “Of course.”

“Do you uh… could you maybe do me a favor?” Lena asked. Slowly, she shifted her gaze, doing her best to read Kara’s expression before saying another word. 

“Sure, anything.” 

“Well normally, when I get a new gown… a nurse will change me,” Lena began. She spoke slowly, carefully mulling over every word before allowing it to leave her lips. “And it-- it works, I guess but I… I just feel so…” 

_ Dirty. _ As if there were something inside her, a sludge sitting in her bones and seeping beneath her skin. Something she’d been infected with so long ago that no amount of showers or disinfectant could ever get rid of it. 

“I just… I was wondering since we’re leaving and I need to get dressed, if you could help me instead?” Lena finally asked. “You’ve seen my body before, y- you know what I look like so… so maybe… maybe it’ll be easier.” 

“That’s it?”

Lena nodded. 

“Yeah, I can help you get dressed,” Kara said. “Do you want me to help now?” 

Lena hesitated, but after a moment nodded once more. And sure enough, Kara handed her the bag so she could sort through the clothes, smiling as if she weren’t phased at all. 

“You really don’t mind?” 

“Nope.”

Before long, Lena had picked out a hoodie and pair of flannel pajama pants for Kara to help her change into. She set them on her lap and Kara took a seat by her side, gently slipping her hands under Lena’s armpits to help her sit up. 

“Let me know if I’m hurting you?” She asked. 

“You’re alright,” Lena confirmed. She winced for a moment, releasing a slow, steady breath when Kara pulled her up into a seated position. 

“Okay… I uh, I guess I’ll start with the gown,” Kara thought aloud. Lena nodded and reached out. She held one hand on Kara’s shoulder to keep herself upright, the other stayed draped over her stomach.

One by one, the ribbons came undone. Kara’s fingers brushed against her skin, sending trickles of light down her spine as they moved with her body. Lena just stared straight ahead of her, breath hitching at the touch. 

Kara then slipped the gown off Lena’s shoulders so her entire upper body was exposed. And as she helped Lena lay back down, Lena quickly covered her chest with her arms. Her cheeks turned bright red, monitors spiking when she realized just how naked she really was. 

“It’s okay,” Kara reassured her. She lifted both of her hands, keeping them in Lena’s view so she knew she wasn’t being touched. “I won’t hurt you.” 

Lena nodded. “I’m okay,” she whispered and did her best to remind herself that it was true. Kara was safe, she was her friend. She didn’t want to cause her pain. 

“I’m gonna take it all the way off now, if you get uncomfortable just tell me and I’ll stop,” Kara said. 

“Okay.” Lena gave another nod. “Just keep going.” 

Kara did as she was told and leaned back over her. She went to lift Lena’s legs so she could pull the fabric out from beneath her waist but paused when she noticed the mark on Lena’s arm. It didn’t look like much, just a few freckles. They probably wouldn’t have even been noticeable to the human eye, their pink color was so close to that of Lena’s skin. But to Kara, they were clear as day, a mark that certainly hadn’t been there a year ago. 

“Lena, can I see your arm?” She asked. 

“My arm?” 

“Yeah, look right there.” Kara sat down on the edge of Lena’s bed and set a gentle hand slightly above her elbow. Lena tensed at the contact but she didn’t pull away. She looked down too, trying to see what Kara was getting at. 

“It’s right here,” Kara said. Without thinking, she tried to lift Lena’s arm away from her chest to show her. A horrified cry escaped Lena’s lips at the contact. All the color drained from her face, monitors beeping loudly as she pulled back against her bed.

Kara jumped back too, holding her shaky hands up, her heart pounding fiercely against her chest. Lena was trembling. She was staring up at her, eyes wide like saucers with an expression so terrified Kara could practically hear the alarm bells blaring in her head. 

“Oh Rao-- Lena, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. I am  _ so _ sorry!” 

Lena didn’t respond, just stared with her mouth agape. 

“Gosh-- I’m so sorry,” Kara stammered. “Here-- can I cover you back up?” 

Lena nodded but continued to slowly inch away from her. She was curling in on herself, trying to make herself as small as possible with the hope that maybe she’d disappear entirely. 

“I’m just gonna put the blanket over you,” Kara said as she lifted the comforter. 

“Don’t touch,” Lena whimpered, a single tear overflowing. 

“I won’t touch you.” Kara laid the blanket on top of her and made sure everything below Lena’s neck was covered. 

“You probably don’t want me to help you get dressed anymore, do you?” She asked with a mirthless chuckle. It was pointless, she knew that. But to Kara, getting Lena to smile again was worth all the effort in the world. 

Lena shook her head. 

“Should I get a nurse?”

Sucking in a breath, Lena shook her head once more. “What’s on my arm?” She whispered. 

She hated being touched. She hated how out of control it made her feel, hated the way it made the dirt start to shift beneath her skin. But there was so much from the past year that for some reason, she couldn’t remember. And the unknowing was worse than all the dust and discomfort in the world. 

So slowly, Lena extended her hand in Kara’s direction so she could take another look. Kara approached her once more, sitting tentatively at her side to examine it. 

“You see that right there?” She asked, pointing to the spot just below Lena’s shoulder. “It looks like freckles, but--” 

“But I don’t have freckles.” 

Kara nodded. “And see that-- it almost looks like all the dots are in a line. Like it’s intentional.” 

“It could be from injections,” Lena thought aloud. Her voice was still low and shaky. The tears continued to fall, but she did her best to keep looking at Kara, to keep telling herself that she was okay. “But shots don’t leave scars. They can if you bleed, but even that’s pretty rare.” 

“What if it wasn’t an injection? What if someone was drawing your blood?” Kara asked. “Do you remember any needles or anything like that?” 

Lena shook her head. “No, but I… I could’ve given myself a concussion from… you know. It could’ve caused short term memory loss.” 

“I read this thing once about how extreme trauma can cause you to dissociate and blackout. It’s like a defense mechanism and it keeps you from remembering,” Kara added. “That could be why you don’t know where they came from.” 

“Yeah, and why I don’t remember my childhood.”

Right there- it was so quick, but Lena managed a laugh. The sound instantly flooded Kara with relief. 

“Are there any other marks like this?” Kara asked. She looked at the scars once more- five little dots in a horizontal line below Lena’s shoulder. 

“I don’t know,” Lena said quietly. 

“We can figure it out another time.” Kara smiled softly, releasing a breath of relief when she saw the tension lift from Lena’s shoulders. “I know it’s a lot, we don’t have to figure it all out now.” 

Lena nodded and did her best to smile back. “You can still stay, right?” 

Kara paused for a moment, taken aback by the request. She was so sure after the moment they’d just had, Lena wouldn’t have been able to be rid of her fast enough. But that wasn’t it at all, Lena wanted…  _ needed _ her to stay. 

“Yeah,” Kara said. “I’ll stay for as long as you need.” 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: This chapter deals with panic attacks and flashbacks. There are also some implied mentions of sexual abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, long time so see :)   
> i'm so sorry this chapter took so long to get out, but because of how heavy the content is in this fic, I've realized updates here are just going to be slower than with my other ones. i'd never want to rush these chapters or try to force myself through them, especially since it deals with such sensitive issues. that wouldn't be fair to myself, you guys, or the story itself.   
> i still love this fic and i don't plan on abandoning it, the chapters might just seem a bit scattered <3

The group arrived at the DEO shortly after six. By the time they left the hospital, a quiet fog had settled over the city, dulling the normal urban glow. It all seemed to be a bit quieter; as if the whole universe was gradually coming to a stop. It was strange, but in a way, fitting. It seemed like the perfect step towards Lena’s reintegration back into society. 

Perhaps one day long ago, she would’ve loved waking up to the bright lights, the constant noise, and frantic rush of day to day life. She would’ve been able to get herself to go outside and just feel the light pouring down on her skin, feel the sunshine and warm air without any fear that if she lingered too long, she’d run out of oxygen. She could even go and make small talk with her co-workers. Shake their hands without wanting to cry at the feeling of their skin on hers.

One day long ago, those sorts of things hadn’t been hypotheticals. Lena  _ had _ handled it. And though it felt like an eternity had passed, she’d only been a year younger when that had been her world. A world that now made her skin crawl with fear and disgust.

Because now, the memories, along with everything else that had made Lena who she was, was dulled. Dampened even. Damaged beyond the point of no return, just like she was. 

The universe Lena once knew, once sought after and sobbed for as she stared out those four walls day after day, now felt even more horrific than every single thing she’d come to terms with over the past year.

After all, anyone could sympathize with what she’d been through. They could tell her they were sorry, offer pitiful glances, and apologetic gift baskets. But understanding the fear and pure hatred that came with re-embracing reality-- that was a completely different ballpark. One even she herself didn’t have a full grasp on.

Darkness, however, was something Lena never failed to comprehend. 

So naturally, when they got back to the DEO and landed in a private section of the medbay-- a bright, washed-out room all arranged to suit Lena’s needs, she couldn’t help the fear that washed over her. It was all so new-- familiar at the same time but somehow, that made it even worse. 

The things Lena remembered were still there. The coldness of the building and sterility of each individual room still stood. The whirs of machinery, large windows, and harrowing lights on the main floor hung tauntingly above her. But the things Lena wasn’t used to… the emptiness of the floor or dimness in the halls, it made the whole thing that much more off-putting. 

“One window,” Lena muttered to herself as she took her new ‘bedroom’ in.

Her eyes trailed slowly across the space, mulling over every little detail. 

The floors were white, she noted. Just like the locked cabinet filled with her prescriptions. Her eyes darted from the case to the medicine cabinet in the corner. It had also been locked by Alex when they came in. As if they were afraid Lena would somehow regain the ability to walk overnight and could go through all of it. 

“Lena?” Kara asked. She stood towards the outskirts of the room, hands folded together nervously. She wasn’t sure if she was supposed to stay, but Lena hadn’t told her to leave so she figured it was better safe than sorry. 

“Are you okay?” 

Lena couldn’t hear a word she said. Her eyes turned toward the sink, with its miniature soap dish and paper towel rack, to the tray by the windowsill which would carry her breakfast in the morning. The small window at the top of the wall, hidden away by white curtains. 

“Lena?”

It was the sound of her name that snapped her out of her trance and caused her head to head whip around in Kara’s direction. She’d been trying to take everything in at once, afraid that if she didn’t do it fast enough, everything would be stripped away before her eyes and she’d find herself back in that place. 

“Are you alright?” Kara repeated, doing her best to manage a comforting smile. 

“Yeah. I- I’m fine, I just… I’m actually here.” Lena closed her eyes for a moment as she attempted to swallow her nerves. Her words were spilling out without warning. She needed to get it under control. “We’re um, we’re underground, right?” 

“Not really,” Kara said. “I mean technically we aren’t above ground, but I wouldn’t say we’re like, in a basement. It’s like… a slightly sunken first floor.” 

“Okay.” Lena nodded. That didn’t help at all. They were still underground, even if not directly. 

“Oh.” Kara paused after a moment. She brought a hand up to her mouth, heart falling right through her stomach as she got it. “No, this isn’t-- this isn’t one of those basements.” 

She made her way across the room and sat down at the edge of Lena’s bed. She tried to extend a hand, but Lena didn’t take it. She couldn’t bring herself to move.

“You’ve worked here, remember? There are windows and-- and you can see outside. You can  _ go _ outside, they won’t force you to stay in your room.” 

Lena tilted her head, opening her mouth to protest. But the words just didn’t seem to register. She wanted to speak, or even just make a sound. However, it was as if there were a bubble caught in her throat, pushing down on her and keeping her from getting out even the smallest of noises. 

“Hey, do you want to set up for a movie night now?” Kara suggested. “You can say no- it was just a thought since we talked about it earlier. But I brought some stuff that might help you feel a bit more at home. And I’m sure there are cots around here somewhere that I could sleep on if you wanted me to stay. That way I can be right here if you have a nightmare or you can’t fall asleep.” 

Lena hesitated, bringing her blanket up close to her chest. She wanted to say yes, wanted to entertain the notion that maybe, if she tried she could have fun. But there was so much to consider and still, Lena was afraid that now, it might be possible at all. 

“Outside,” she said instead. “When can I go outside?”

Kara shrugged. “Probably tomorrow. At least, that’s my guess. I don’t see why you’d have to stay in here all day.” 

Lena nodded. “And you-- you want to stay tonight?” 

“I do,” Kara affirmed. “But only if you’re okay with me being here.” 

“Please…  _ please _ stay,” Lena breathed, feeling all the air return to her body. The thought of sharing her room was horrifying and being alone even worse. But for the first time since her escape, Lena knew exactly what she needed, and that was to be in the presence of the person she’d once trusted more than anyone else. After all, if Kara was there, nobody would be able to touch her. 

Kara smiled and nervously intertwined her fingers at the affirmation. It hadn’t hit her until now, but this was going to be her first sleepover with Lena since the kidnapping. The first time Lena had trusted Kara enough to let her stay for more than a few minutes at a time. It might not have seemed like a lot, but to Kara, it was everything. She couldn’t afford to mess it up. 

“We can watch Derry Girls,” Lena continued hesitantly, doing as much to convince Kara they could have a good time as she was herself. “And have snacks and be happy the way we used to.”

Unable to control it at all, Kara’s face lit up as she saw the smile crossing Lena’s lips.

“And you uh, you said you brought some stuff, we could go through it now too. I just-- I know this is weird, but maybe if we act like everything’s okay, it’ll be easier.” 

“Yeah, I-- I'd love that,” Kara agreed. She lifted her bag from off the ground and set it on the chair next to Lena’s bed-- Lena’s eyes widened at how large it was. Kara had brought all that stuff for her even after the clothing from the gift shop. It had been one day and she was bleeding Kara dry already! 

“That’s-- all of that is for me?” 

Kara nodded. “Yeah. I might’ve gone a bit overboard, but I think you’ll like it.” 

“Anyways, I brought your favorite blanket from my loft, an extra pillow, a photo album-- just in case you feel like looking through it. Your laptop, obviously, and a few books and magazines. Oh-- and Eliza sent you some tea and cookies,” Kara rambled as she sorted through everything.

Lena wanted to protest but Kara went so quickly she couldn’t get a word in. Every time she paused to take a breath-- she kept going with no end in sight.

“I also grabbed some snacks from the break room. So we’ve got popcorn, cookies, chips, and more cookies. Also, soda that you’re gonna refuse to drink and some extra pudding and jello cups I stole from the nurse's station back at the hospital. Did I mention the cookies?” 

“Kara this-- you did this all for me?” Lena asked. She managed to laugh in disbelief, her eyes tracing Kara, who unpacked everything onto Lena’s bed and the table beside it. She looked so calm, so unbothered. As if she wasn’t phased by any of it at all. 

“Yeah, of course,” Kara said, smiling warmly. “Was it too much?” 

Lena shook her head. “It’s perfect. I… I’m surprised, is all. It’s so much and I just don’t want to make you go out of your way for me. You’ve done so much and I feel guilty making you do all this.” 

“But you like the stuff?” Kara asked. “You like the surprise?”

Lena nodded. “Yeah, I think so.” 

“Well, then as long as you’re happy with it, I don’t mind going out of my way for you,” Kara reassured her. “Besides, you’re my friend. I’ll always go the extra mile for you.” 

Lena accepted Kara’s response. It wasn’t easy-- she wanted to argue, to insist she wasn’t worth it, that she didn’t deserve such kindness. But the gesture and Kara’s sweet words all made her heart swell, filling her with a happiness she hadn’t felt in so long. Even if she wasn’t worth it, Lena knew she couldn’t risk letting such a feeling go. If she did, she wasn’t sure if it would ever return.

So she reached out with her good arm and took the blanket, instantly smiling at the touch. The feeling of the fleece against her skin filled her with memories; feelings of cuddles and forehead kisses, late nights staying up eating pizza and potstickers, watching movies neither one of them were really paying attention to. 

“You know, you’re a really great friend, Kara,” Lena commented after a moment. She looked over at her, smiling softly as she watched the way Kara visibly relaxed at her words. “And I know I haven’t really been able to show it, but I promise, I do appreciate everything you do for me. It means so much.”

“Thank you, you have no idea how much it helps to hear that.” 

“So… would you um, would you like to sit?” Lena asked, gesturing to the spot on her bed beside her. 

Her heart was pounding as the words left her mouth, her body tensing at just the thought of letting someone get that close to her again. Even with Kara, someone who Lena wanted more than anything, to learn to trust again, it was terrifying. But so was eating. So was being in a room underground, going under anesthesia, and getting a tube shoved down her nose. And Lena had done all those things. So perhaps, just temporarily, she could do this too. Be one with her darkness as she tried to move forward.

“Sure. You're okay with it, right?” Kara asked.

“Yeah… I think I am.” 

Kara grinned and hopped up onto Lena’s bed, unaware of the way Lena inched to the side to make room for her. She opened up her laptop and pulled up Netflix, her cheeks filling with heat at the feeling of Lena’s eyes lingering on her. 

“I really missed this,” Lena commented. “All of it.” 

“Yeah, I did too,” Kara agreed. 

They sat like that for a moment, neither of them speaking as they took it all in. It wasn’t until Kara broke the silence, asking if Lena wanted to start their night, that they remembered the things they’d had planned. 

“Maybe not right now,” Lena said after a moment of hesitation. “Do you think… do you think we could just sit for a minute?” 

“Of course, whatever you want.” 

Lena smiled softly. She released a steady breath, looking from Kara’s eyes to the space between their hands. They were separated by mere inches, a distance so small that just the slightest movement would close the gap and join them together as one.

Sighing, Lena let her head fall back against the pillow. She tightened her jaw and blinked back the tears she hadn’t realized had been filling her eyes. All she wanted was to be able to take Kara’s hand, to hug her the way she used to. She wanted to be her friend and do the things friends did without fear of reliving the violations and invasions she’d faced almost every day for an entire year. She wanted to be alive, to exist the way she used to.

Even without happiness, couldn’t boredom be enough? She could live without perfection. She could live with knowing her brother was a murder and with the memories of her childhood that always seemed to linger quietly in the back of her mind. That was something that, though it had felt incredibly unbearable at one point, Lena had made it through. She’d dealt with it the way she’d dealt with every other thing thrown her way. And if she could, Lena would’ve done the same thing with this too. 

But she couldn’t erase the past year. She could never go back to that person she’d once been-- the person she’d once considered to be weak but would now do anything to see once more. Her world was gone. So perhaps now, that meant it was time to accept that on top of everything else, her friendship with Kara would be forever changed too. 

* * *

“Call Kara-- call Kara!” 

" _ Kara!" _

Lena shot straight up in bed, mouth opening as she gasped for air. It was wrong-- everything was all wrong. It was all so dark, so cold and empty. The only thing she could see was her hands in front of her face, the way they shook violently with every movement. 

“No,” she whispered. “No… no, not again.” 

She needed to turn a light on, she needed to see something--  _ anything _ so she’d know the walls weren’t opening up around her, trapping her back in that room with so much space but no air at all. So much was missing, so much had changed. And if she didn’t do something soon, she was going to end up back there. 

She’d be a hostage, only now, stuck between there and here. Medical tape around her wrists instead of restraints. The tube down her nose trapping her to her IV pole the same way the chains had confined her to the wall. She wasn’t out but she wasn’t there and in a way, that was so much worse. 

“No… please, Kara…”

Lena pulled her legs into her chest, crying out at the pain radiating through her at the movement. She clasped both hands by her forehead but she couldn’t feel anything at all. Just fuzz and static as if she was merely a figment of her own imagination. 

“Call her, call Kara,” she whispered.

Lena squeezed her eyes shut, toes curling beneath the fabric. She could feel the dirt beneath her heels, cold air brushing through her hair, and pressing against her lungs. The hikers were there, staring at her as if she were some sort of zoo exhibit. 

A sob escaped Lena’s lips but none of them noticed. They couldn’t hear a thing she was saying. 

“No… please,” Lena cried. She tried to dig her fingers into her palm but she couldn’t reach her hands. She couldn’t move at all.

“Lena?” It was Kara’s voice. “Hey, what’s going on?” 

Lena shook her head, trying to press even further. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. She was in the woods with the hikers. With dirt on her skin and blood running down her legs. Sweat in her hairline and bags beneath her eyes. Lena was there and Kara was gone.

“Lena, honey, I’m right here.” 

_ No. _ It was just another one of her episodes. Kara wasn’t there now, she never was, and the faster Lena realized that, the sooner the panic would fade. 

“Lena?”

A light turned on and Lena instinctually squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn’t do this, not now. Not when her fate was in the hands of these confused hikers who couldn’t hear a word leaving her mouth. 

“This isn’t real,” Lena whimpered. “Kara’s not real.” 

Kara held out her hand, wondering maybe if Lena could feel her, she’d be pulled out of her trance. But she stopped herself before she could make the move, knowing that right now, even the simplest of touches would probably do more harm than good.

Lena was afraid. She was vulnerable. And while maybe a hug would’ve worked thirteen months ago, it was no longer an option for either of them. 

So instead, Kara tried to speak to her once more. 

“Lena, I’m right here,” she said. “I’m real, all of this is real.” 

Lena’s eyes opened. She stared directly in front of her, incapable of movement. It was all too much to bear-- the way her heart pounded against her chest. And the weight sitting on top of it, the way it compressed her lungs in a manner so crippling even the simplest task such as breathing had become impossible. 

“Kara,” Lena whispered. She brought a hand to her chest as she looked around the room, trying to take in her surroundings once more.

“Kara… what’s happening?”

She was in the hospital-- no, the DEO. Lena knew this room, she’d been here before though she couldn’t put her finger on why. Work, maybe? No… an injury. Alien attack. Something.

The blanket from Kara’s apartment was on her lap. Her laptop was on one of the counters but it was too far away for her to reach. There was a clock on the wall, too. It was ticking loudly, steadily counting down the seconds until Lena’s inevitable demise. 

“Can you look at me?” Kara asked, bringing Lena back to reality once more. She could hear how loudly Lena’s heart was beating, how she continued to gasp for air yet always choked the minute it entered her lungs.

But nevertheless, Lena turned her head. Her mouth was open as she struggled, trying to grab just the smallest shred of oxygen. Her lips had turned blue from the effort, the rest of her face pale and hollow. She was freezing. Covered in the type of chills that wouldn’t go away by simply putting on a jacket. 

“I- I’m right here,” Kara repeated. She had no idea what to say or what to do. All she knew was the panic in Lena’s eyes was growing and she needed to help. She needed to be there for her friend. “Do you see me?” 

Lena nodded. “I see you.” 

A single tear escaped her, a signal that her grasp on the situation was slipping away even faster than she’d anticipated. 

“None of this is real, it’s all in my head,” Lena insisted. Her voice broke and she fell forward, wrapping her arms tightly around herself as she used all the strength she had to keep herself upwards. 

“I’m not here,” she wept as she shook her head in disbelief. “I don’t know where I am, but I’m not here.” 

“No… Lena, this is real,” Kara said softly. “I know this is scary, but I promise you, I’m right here. I’m right next to you. I swear, it’s all real.” 

Lena shook her head.

“No!” Lena sobbed. She couldn’t believe it, it wasn’t possible! “It can’t be. I can’t be… I can’t...” 

“Can I… can I touch you?” Kara asked, uncertain of what else to do. She craved for a way to take it all onto herself. Even if it was just a fraction of Lena’s pain, she wished she could carry it on her own chest for as long as physically possible. 

“I…”

It took a minute, but eventually, Lena nodded, looking back at Kara with a terror strong enough to shatter her heart into a million pieces. But Kara couldn’t let it show, she needed to keep it together. At least for now, until things started to calm down. 

So she extended her hand and placed it lightly on Lena’s cheek, allowing herself to brush away the tears with her pad of her thumb. 

“You feel that?” She asked. 

Lena nodded. 

“That’s me. I’m right here with you,” Kara said. She did her best to offer a reassuring smile, to show that she was okay, even if that was the furthest thing from the truth right now.

“Kara?” Lena whispered. Her brow furrowed, mouth hanging open in horror as she tried to decipher reality from yearning. It was nearly impossible but she knew for sure she could feel Kara’s hand on her face. She could feel the tears and soft skin, see the way Kara looked at her with such tenderness and concern. 

“You’re here?” Lena asked eventually.

Finally, she felt the air slowly begin to return to her body at the realization that Kara was really there. She was really out-- she wasn’t just hallucinating. 

“Yeah, I’m here,” Kara said once more. “We’re at the DEO, you’re safe.” 

_ You’re safe. _ Lena silently repeated. Those two words were all it took for her to crumble once more. The popsicle sticks and glue she’d been using to keep herself together just weren’t strong enough, she was breaking, faster than she ever had before. 

“I’m not, Kara,” she sobbed. “I’m not, I…” 

Lena shook her head and brought both hands up to her hairline. “I just have this feeling something terrible is going to happen and I… I can’t…” 

“What’s going to happen?” Kara asked. 

“I don’t know,” Lena cried. “But I keep going back there and I-- I keep seeing things. And I know one of these days I’m going to remember something that I...” 

She dropped her hands and looked back up, meeting Kara’s eyes for the first time all night. “I just have this feeling that something terrible happened while I was down there and when I figure out what it was… I know that I’m going to wish I kept it uncovered.” 

“That’s why you don’t want this to be real?” Kara thought aloud. “You don’t want to get closer to knowing what happened to you?”

Lena shook her head. “I don’t know. I don’t want to know but the more I suspect the worse everything gets and I… I think, either way, a piece of me… it’s always going to be down there.”

By now, Kara was crying too. Big, fat, crocodile tears burning in her eyes as she felt every minute of last year-- every second she’d spent without her best friend, come alive inside her once more.

She could still feel it clear as day. The first Friday she’d sat alone in her apartment, silently on the couch staring at a blank television screen on the evening that should’ve been her weekly movie night and sleepover with Lena. She could feel the cold handle in her palm as she opened her closet door to put away the present she’d bought for Lena’s twenty-fifth birthday. A hardcover collection of Oscar Wilde's short stories all wrapped up into one giant book. That and the scrapbook-esque photo album she’d put together of all their best memories. They still sat on the floor next to her laundry basket, hidden away behind old boxes so Kara wouldn’t have to bear looking at it every time she put away her dirty clothes. 

Whoever said time heals all wounds clearly had never dealt with a missing person's case. Kara had been bleeding out all year, wounds festering the more she wondered where Lena was, the more time passed without closure. She was still bleeding, her wounds still raw, just like Lena’s. 

“They took something from me. And I don’t know what but I know that it was bad. Really bad.” 

_ Is that why you’re so afraid of being touched? _ Kara wanted to ask. 

The question was pressing against her skull with a painful amount of force. But she couldn’t let herself say it. Even without allowing the words to linger in the air, Kara was beginning to find answers she knew neither of them wanted.

The rejection of physical contact. Desperation for control. Dissociative amnesia with selective events while the rest, Lena remembered clear as day. All of it pointed in one direction-- one even Kara herself found it impossible to consider. 

“I don’t want to go back,” Lena said, crying quietly as she spoke. “I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I made all this up.”

She tilted her head and slowly looked around the room, frowning at the observation. That darkness inside just felt so strong, much stronger than she’d ever been. It latched onto her bones like a parasite, infecting her and by extension, every person and thing she touched.

She didn’t deserve this reality, didn’t deserve Kara. The only way she could rationalize it was to tell herself it had all been a figment of her imagination. 

“It’s happened before. I’d convince myself you were there… that you were with me and I-- I could see you, it-- god, it felt so real. But then I’d wake up and everything would be gone and I-- I don’t think I’ll be able to take it if that happens again.” 

“It’s not going to happen again.” 

Lena sighed. “You don’t know that, Kara.” 

“I do,” Kara reassured her. “Because I’m here now. I’m going to make sure nobody lays a finger on you ever again.” 

Lena held out her quivering hands, watching the way Kara’s expression changed as she moved. She needed to know that it was true, that she was really there and not still trapped in that basement, hallucinating the image of her best friend all over again. 

“Please,” Lena whispered. “Promise me this is all real? That you won’t let it happen again?” 

“I promise, I won’t let anything happen to you,” Kara affirmed. 

Lena nodded but she couldn’t seem to get it through her head. She just stared at her hands as she cried, trying with everything she had in her to believe Kara was telling her the truth. To believe that this was reality and not another episode. That she could be okay after all those months. After that year. 

“Kara?” 

“Yeah?”

“You’re really here?” 

“I’m really here.” 

“Then hold me.” 

Lena just stared as she sobbed, her desperation filling the air. She could feel the whole world crashing down on her shoulders.

Everything she’d tried to convince herself wasn’t real was all staring her in the face, filling the room so rapidly that if she waited too long, she’d be overtaken by images of trees and bricks, metal chains, and plastic trays of stale food. Kara would disappear-- the world she’d just barely come back into was going to shrivel up and die if she couldn’t feel something,  _ anything _ , to remind her that she was alive and still herself. 

But before she knew it, a pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around Lena and held her close. 

“I’ve got you,” Kara whispered as she pulled Lena into her lap, holding her tightly as Lena sobbed against her. She could feel an arm creep around her neck and a hand lay on her chest, Lena’s precarious hand trying to feel her heartbeat through the brace hiding most of her lower arm. 

“I’m right here,” Kara assured her. She stroked the top of Lena’s head and the rest of her hair, closing her eyes and biting back her sobs when she realized just how hard Lena was shaking.

“Right here.” This time Kara’s voice broke. Her own tears slipped out, the smallest droplets landing in Lena’s hair. 

“You’re here,” Lena whispered. Her head was buried in the spot below Kara’s shoulder, her ear to her chest to try and detect her heartbeat. There were mops of blonde hair falling over her face and tickling her neck but Lena didn’t care. It was just a sign that Kara was there with her, holding her tightly as they cried. 

Nodding, Kara let the palm of her hand trace down Lena’s spine and rub soothing circles on her back, careful not to move too fast or she’d scare her away. They’d sat like this in the past many times before, Lena curled up in Kara’s lap for no reason other than she’d wanted to be held. Kara being herself, would never deny her that. She loved the feeling of having Lena safely in her arms. Loved getting to hold her and press chaste kisses to her hairline. Loved the way she could hear Lena’s heart, steadily beating like a drum that pounded just for her.

It was all just so different now. 

“Kara?” Lena whimpered. 

“Yeah?” 

“Please… please tell me where we are again?” 

Kara bit down on her lip and drew in a breath, doing her best to get herself together before responding. She could feel Lena growing tense against her skin, already regretting her request. 

“We’re in National City,” Kara began. She gently wiped away Lena’s tears as she spoke. “We’re in the DEO-- in the west wing medbay. And you… you have a private room, so that’s where we’ve been staying.” 

“And where-- where was I found?” Lena asked. “H- how long has it been?” 

“You were found by a group of hikers in one of the National Parks outside the city. You were airlifted to National City General Hospital two weeks ago.” 

Lena inhaled sharply and moved her hand up across Kara’s chest until she found the collar of her shirt. She held the fabric between her fingers, keeping it in her hand as a reminder that Kara wasn’t just going to disappear. That Lena wasn’t going to be ripped from her arms.

“You went missing over a year ago,” Kara continued. “But you’re back now. And I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you’re never taken again.”

Lena nodded, exhaling as she closed her eyes. 

“I’m always going to protect you, Lena.”

“Promise?” Lena asked weakly. 

“I promise.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this chapter was really heavy, but I feel like it needed to happen, so I hope it worked well  
> and a huge thank you to my beta reader who looked it over before I posted-- they're literally saving me with this fic

**Author's Note:**

> i have been sitting on this for a while so it feels good to finally post!! if you have any thoughts, please leave them in the comments or scream at me on tumblr @godhatesoliviaa


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